Extravagant Worship

Holding Nothing Back - JesusCulture

2009-10-03T13:55:00.002+08:00

I am chosen, I am free
I am living for eternity, free now forever
You picked me up, turned me around
You set my feet on solid ground, Yours now forever

And nothing's gonna hold me back (x3)

My chains fell off my heart was free, I'm alive to live for You, I'm alive to live for You
Amazing love how can it be, You gave everything for me, You gave everything for me, Everything

You washed my sin and shame away,
The slate is clean, a brand new day, free now forever
Now boldly I approach Your throne,
to claim this crown through Christ my own, Yours now forever

I'm free to live, free to give, free to be, I'm free to love you

my chains fell off, my heart was free!

2009-10-03T12:41:00.006+08:00

God did amazing things for us at Exchange this year. He went beyond our highest expectations, as He does.

Josiah Connor & Nathan Robinson from City Life Church in Melbourne came to speak to us. I think everyone's jaw dropped when we found out Josiah was only 20yrs old... and he's engaged. There's a culture of marrying young amongst the churches here in Australia, which I already don't fit in. Haha...

The majority of us were greatly impacted by this one night at resort, when Nathan spoke to us about silence. "Shut up and slow down". He questioned why we have become so anti-silence. We never slow down or shut up long enough to hear the whispers of the Holy Spirit. When we wake up, when we're in our cars, even when we pray... we turn on the radio, tv, even play praise & worship music in the background..He suggested that when God said "be still and know that I am God", He meant "be still" not "do still". Maybe, he proposed, we need to start positioning ourselves in the quiet places to rest in God's presence, just listening to Him and waiting on Him to speak. He shared 1 Kings 19:11-12:

"Then he was told, "Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by."A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but wasn't to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn't in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper."

Of course we wouldn't hear God in the fire, in the wind and earthquake, Nathan asserted. God would have to fight for our attention through the noise and chaos.

Nathan promptly led us into a time of practicing what we had just heard. Some of us lay on the floor, some sat in the corners, some bowed their heads and some just lay back in their chairs. The lights were dimmed and the auditorium was silent. At first people were uncomfortable. You could hear the awkward coughs and shifts. After about 5 minutes or so, the atmosphere began to relax itself. For myself and many others, the next 30mins- 1hr (i'm not exactly sure how long it went) was the most intimate encounter we had with God in awhile. In stark silence, forgetting everything else for that time in space... focusing only on our own breathing and keenly aware of being in the very presence of God.... just resting, just soaking, just waiting.

Wow. Since resort, I have tried to set time aside for this, besides the usual time of reading & praying. Just sitting and listening is great. We move at an unbelievable pace. Each day, the amount of thoughts & tasks that surround us are both incredible and ridiculous. We often ask God to speak to us yet we never slow down and shut up long enough to let Him. I believe He speaks to us in many forms, through nature, through animals (oh yes, He regularly speaks to me through Terry) but it's also necessary to create a sacred space and time for this.

God also did something very personal for me at resort. He used Jess to encourage me, to stop beating myself up over falling into pits over and over again, because He is bigger than that... and no matter how many times I fall into a pit, it will be okay because He will pick me up again.

He also strengthened the bonds of our friendship on a spiritual level. There was this one moment when Jess, Wan Jun and myself all felt this strong urge to pray for Cheryl. That was incredible as it was overflowing with God's great love for Cheryl, that He would want her to know He has sent friends to support and love her and help her on this walk with Him, not even just 1 but 4 including Pet ;p

Every year, Resort never fails to bring something fresh and life-changing. It is my hope and strong desire that the changes don't stop there, that as we continue to behold Him, we will truly be transformed to transform the world around us.

The city is waiting...

what kind of life?

2009-09-09T16:48:00.002+08:00

It gawked at me. I sat upright in my seat and read it again.

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community.

I gulped. That was the kind of life I led when I chose the world and turned my back on Him. It was the kind of life I continued to lead after coming back to Him, every once in a while when I failed to guard my heart and allowed the world to pull me back in.

The honesty in that passage caught me by surprise. I've personally experienced many of those things described.

Amongst other things, I've made many bad relationship decisions, causing myself and others a lot of heartache and disillusionment. My entire life, it seems, I'd be jumping right into the next relationship before I can finish unloading the emotional junk from the previous one. I've even began thinking it must be one of the enemy's best tried-and-tested strategies with me! I've been in and out of relationships so much that I've lost count, and the longest time I've managed to stay (truly) single would be about a few months. This is rather startling considering I started dating at 12, and I'm turning 25 in a month's time.

Daryl suggested it was due to my deep desire for intimacy and how I've always chosen to fulfill it the wrong ways, with the wrong people. Add to that the seemingly constant stream of guys around me and you get a status: always attached Eileen. At the end of the day, I'm left with a string of broken relationships and painful memories. I always wonder, what if I had just said no to that relationship? What if I had laid aside that desire and pursued wholeness instead?

This Christian walk has been an uphill struggle. Or should I say battle. The last 10 years of my life, I have been progressing in fits and starts. Always seeming to get somewhere, and making a few more steps toward my destiny, but always, I would get pulled down to the bottom abruptly. There, I have had to scramble back up, wipe the tears and shake off the dust, and start climbing again.

Only recently, one such bad decision brought me to a halt. At that time, I was experiencing a great time with God, enjoying every bit of the journey He was taking me on. I was devouring His Word, building my spiritman by praying in tongues at least once a day, and constantly singing love songs to Him. I had begun going to music practices, waiting to be rostered in to sing for revo officially. The girls and I wanted to be a part of the mission trip that revo was planning and we considered how we could do more for our community. I enjoyed my friendships immensely and I was zealous about life. Blessings were pouring in from every corner. Doesn't this sound typical already...

The story then comes to that fateful twist, that inevitable turning point..

Before I knew it, I was caught in a downward spiral and I was going down faster than I could say 'help'. And when the whirlwind romance ended, I was left with this:

What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds!

That's exactly how it felt. Weeds.
And as I trace back, I can see how my decisions were conscious ones. Consciously silencing His voice in my head, consciously proceeding with callous disregard for the consequences. I chose not to regard God and what He was telling me. I chose to satisfy my own selfish desires! And in the end, I had nothing to show for it but weeds.

Sometimes, I feel like saying to myself...
Eileen, oh Eileen, when will you ever learn...
I'm so stubborn!

And what is His response?
Anger? No.
Relentless love, compassion, love.

The nights that I just stuffed my head under my pillow and cried, He soothed me and said, it's ok, I'm here to carry you.
He stood me up on my feet again, zero condemnation, 100% love, and said, ok, let's start again.

It's as if all these years of my life, He would be fitting together the pieces of my life and I would come in and throw it on the floor, scattering all the pieces.
Instead of reacting in anger, He would patiently fit them all back again.

I keep wanting to go back to what I've done, reminding myself and Him, as if He didn't know how bad it was. It amazes me every time, how He's always focused only on moving ahead and leaving the past behind. We can't change the past, but we can choose the future.

The 2 passages quoted above continue to say the following respectively:

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.

Verses from Galatians 5:19-22, 6:7-8, The Message

Extravagance!

2009-07-25T14:18:00.003+08:00

God blesses me extravagantly.

At work, I received $40 worth of gift cards for scoring 100% in a mystery shopper test. That was totally random. The mystery shopper could have caught me on a day I wasn't up to form but I did great so thank God! I used the cards for fuel. It felt really good to pay only $2 for a full tank!

At my current place, I've been "upgraded" to one of the inside rooms.

The building I'm staying in is registered as an association and the kitchen where my old room was next to is considered a commercial kitchen. Supposedly, my room was listed as the kitchen storeroom. People from the council came by to inspect the kitchen, including my room, so Aunty Hong made me get up early to pack my stuff and replace them with kitchen equipment, creating the pretense of a storeroom. I was praying they would pass the test as I didn't want to have to do that all over again. And they did. Aunty Hong then said the lady told her to make sure no one stays in the storeroom, so maybe I should move into one of the inside rooms.

It's totally awesome. I've got a reverse cycle a/c & ensuite bathroom. Best of all, it's nice and cosy, not cold. Apparently, I can only stay in this room for one and a half weeks though as some other people are coming and they'll need the place. I'll then have to move back into my old room if I can't find a place by then. Well, whatever, my God will provide. I'm happy to be staying here for however long I can. It's a blessing to me!

Jess and Cheryl's mums have been very hospitable toward me. We slept over at Jess' last night. When I woke up around 11, I discovered that Jess & Cheryl had both left already. Great friends for ditching me.. haha.. So I went downstairs and Jess' mum insisted I stay for brunch. I did and got to enjoy a yummy bowl of prawn mee as while as chatting with them. Yummy, home-cooked meals like that really blesses me nowadays as my current place is fully vegan. Although, I must add, God has also blessed me with the vegan meals. They're still delicious and surprisingly, no bean sprouts have been used so far. Anyone who knows me knows my lifelong enmity with bean sprouts.

I auditioned for the worship team on Thursday. When I arrived at church, my throat felt extremely dry and my voice was creaky and hoarse. So I just prayed. At the end of the audition, I had great comments. Nigel and Rachelle who auditioned me both said it was very good. And what else can I say? THANK GOD. All good things come from above.

I must also add that a few days before the audition, I checked my work roster and saw I was rostered to work on Thursday. That was the first Thursday I ever had to work for the last six months and it had to be on my audition day! I really didn't want to postpone the audition as I'd already been procrastinating for the last... year at least. I desperately wanted to take that step that God had been urging me to for so long and I was afraid of procrastinating yet again.

Trying to get off that shift wasn't easy at first. The only people I could ask were Sam, Kaitlyn, Bryan or Heather. Sam advised me that she & Kaitlyn would be away on a road trip, whilst Bryan & Heather were already out of Perth. So, I just prayed. Surprise, surprise. A day later, I saw Kaitlyn write on facebook that their road trip was off. I asked her if she would do my shift and she readily said yes.

I couldn't have foresaw that. I couldn't have made something happen either.
It was Him. He had my solution. He was my solution.

How good is God!

Will you marry me?

2009-07-19T17:15:00.006+08:00

Yesterday I was reading through some married couples' blogs and according to them, marriage is great. I've always been tentative about it, largely because of how I saw marriages around me fail as I was growing up. In recent years, however, God has reshaped my view about marriage and I'm glad to say it is now largely positive.

So last night I was thinking about how nice it would be to be married! Being alone is fine but having someone to share the journey with sounds a lot more appealing. Serving and ministering alone is fine but doing it with a partner sounds fun-ner! Of course, I was thinking these with the knowledge that marriage isn't going to be a breeze, but it's better to take the yacht out and experience the storm rather than miss out on enjoying the sea altogether, no?

The desire for a partner and marriage is healthy, but not when it makes you miserable about single-hood. Last night I was feeling pretty miserable about it. The despicable enemy planted some negative thoughts in my mind. Oh you're never going to find someone, you're so unlovable, what makes you think you have a chance at marriage. I started reflecting on all my failed relationships. The enemy told me lies about how I was the cause of all the failures, that it was because I was so unlovable. And reminded me of how the exes always went on to find someone better, and that's why their relationships don't fail.

What I instinctively did, through my tears, was to grab hold of my Bible and flip it open. I had to hold all these thoughts captive and give them up to God. I had to find His truths to overcome the enemy's lies. I know what I did next was every pastor's nightmare, but yup I randomly opened up a page hoping to find something. My mind was in a whirl and I couldn't as yet think of any appropriate verse.

Then my eyes landed on this.

"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions."

At this I flipped a page back, I don't know why, but I did. And read this.

"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life."

Wow. God was in-my-face, speaking right to me. He was telling me to enjoy where I am right now, to realize just how blessed I am to be able to focus on Him and Him alone. One day I'll be married and become involved in all the "nuts and bolts of domestic life" but right now, I'm in that special place where I can focus all my attention on Him. And only God knows how long more I have in this special place... my "prince charming" might come along to sweep me off my feet tomorrow for all I know... haha. Better treasure this time.

I love how the Message says, "God, not your marital status, defines your life". It was very encouraging to me and it reminded me to re-focus, don't let the enemy fool me into believing that I have to be married to be truly living.

I put on Ps. Prince's seminar on love and courtship. It's a 4-part recording that has helped me a lot and I decided to listen to it again. He talked about how in the Bible, there are 2 Hebrew words for "alone". The first is Yakid. Strong's concordance says that Yakid is to be alone, unique and loved. As singles, God says that we are alone (not lonely), unique and beloved of Him. The other "alone" is the Hebrew word Bad, which means without help. Ps. Prince explained that in the garden of Eden when God made man, God said that it is not good for man to be alone, and the alone referred to here was Bad, not Yakid.

He explained further that we should first realize we can and should be happy Yakids, secure and fulfilled in God's love. Adam was a happy Yakid, but God said it was not good for Adam to be without help, and so He made him a helpmate, Eve.

Every time I listen to this, I'm reminded that I need to be a whole Yakid, looking for another whole Yakid. It shouldn't be 2 holes coming together in the hope of being complete, as Ps. Prince said.

Showers of blessing

2009-07-18T19:36:00.003+08:00

I was a bit apprehensive about eating next to Uncle Fart again today. I dropped Cheryl off at her place around 5.15pm after a trip to Garbos and wondered if I should go straight home, contemplating the unavoidable dinner ahead. I also thought to myself, crap, now I have to shower in that seriously cold bathroom.

However when I got back, Aunty Hong announced that no one was home and dinner was to be takeaway food that she'd bought earlier. And she said I could actually use the inside bathroom, if I wanted. God is so good! He provides even the comfort that I was hoping to get. The inside bathroom is drastically different from the outside one. It was so comfortable and warm!!! =) Happiness.

What's new?

2009-07-16T22:06:00.003+08:00

New experiences today:

1. I took a bite of lamb after Cheryl's parents encouraged me to. I haven't had lamb in at least.. well for as long as I can remember. I hate the smell and taste of lamb. It makes me almost want to puke. In fact I am extremely fussy with food.

2. Using whatever Cheryl had in her home to shower and to wash my face.

These might be nothing to most people but it's a pretty big deal to me! I have always been quite.. 'princessy' and stubborn, as Daryl can totally testify to. I think it might be because I was spoilt rotten as a kid. If I hate something, no one can force me to eat it. If I go for a sleepover I usually prepare my own toiletries as I like being able to use my own products.

I took another step in breaking out of that princess-syndrome! Thank God. =)

It was really nice to take a hot shower and sleep on a soft warm bed at Cheryl's place. Every time I take a shower at my current place, I freeze. It's so cold that I stand there and shiver and wipe myself in a frenzy. My bed is literally rock-hard and underneath the bed sheets, they put a layer of straw mat. You can imagine how comfortable that feels. And my room is so cold that I use 4 layers of blankets. Cheryl's house was such a comforting break from that! Never knew it was such a blessing to have a soft bed and a bathroom where you don't freeze! Thank You Lord for showing me new things everyday.

Blessings Galore

2009-07-14T20:38:00.002+08:00

I'm currently staying with the family friend who took care of Terry whilst I was away in Sydney. This place is really like the Buddhist equivalent of a Church. They hold religious services and events here. It is also the residence of a few religious leaders, including my family friend, Aunty Hong. It's a humongous complex with seemingly endless land. There are 3 other dogs here besides mine, Whisky & Goldish the retrievers and Ocher the pomeranian.

I get my own room beside the kitchen. It's a decent room except it gets a bit chilly and the kitchen certainly doesn't smell like roses. However, I'm blessed to have a place to stay. When I arrived yesterday, Aunty Hong and I cleaned out my room. It was stacked full of mattresses and cartons of belongings the previous tenant left behind. So one by one, we moved them into the store room. Then we wiped, swept and mopped and brought my mattress over. It was hard work for 2 women but finally, my room was ready.

Aunty Hong and her 2 other acquaintances have been extremely hospitable. They helped to make a cover over my room door, as part of it was made of see-through glass. Aunty Hong brought me a rug and a sensor light for my room, so that when I switch off the main light, it automatically comes on. They also make sure I have food to eat and tell me I can use the facilities freely.

Of course, there are downsides to this place. Every time I want to leave or come back, I need to tell someone or ring the bell and wait. A big gate separates this compound from the outside world, and it's operated from the inside. It also slides open in a painfully slow speed.

Today, I had to sit next to this old man at the dinner table. He burped and farted out loud several times during dinner, which really made me scramble to find my lost appetite in order to finish my meal. They are vegetarians so I can't bring any non-vegetarian food back. It's also a must to finish whatever's in your bowl. It's part of their religious belief not to waste any food. I also wash the dishes as Aunty Hong is cooking and again when everyone finishes eating. I am learning to have a servant attitude here.

I believe God is using this experience to prepare me.

My parents can whinge about how "clean" I am all day if you allow them to. From a young age, I was greatly obsessed with how nice and clean everything had to look before I would go near them. For example, we would be at a coffee shop and I would refuse to sit down if the chairs looked patchy and old. Once we were in China and one of the restaurants used bowls with gold coatings. Some parts of the coating had come off to reveal the black material underneath and because of that, I squatted outside the restaurant, refusing to go in despite my dad's fury. If ever any sand got into my little shoes, I would kick up a big fuss and demand to be carried.

And here I was tonight, absorbing the pungent smell from the old man as I took another bite of my noodle. Everything in my body wanted to scream disgust and walk away from that table. Jesus was my strength to stay. And I need to get ready. The mission field, or perhaps it should really be called the rest of the world where unbelievers are, may not always be a comfortable place.

I want to get to know these people. They had a hunger for God and thus have been following this "god" that they know. I don't believe that hunger has been filled. They need to know the truth.

I also have a question in my mind. I wonder why we as Christians are sometimes nowhere near as hospitable as these people have been to me. Would we gladly open our homes to someone in need without taking anything for it? Would we be the good Samaritan? We have our reservations. And why is that? I believe it's because we need to take another drink as Jentzen Franklin preached at Hillsong. Another drink of the Holy Spirit. Maybe when we get drunk enough, we'll lose our reservations.

God has blessed me so much. I thank God for loving me, taking care of me.

Back from Hillsong

2009-07-13T20:55:00.002+08:00

Because of God, I came back from Sydney hopeful and not hopeless.
Because of God, I am waiting for my breakthrough and not my breakdown.
Because of God, I do not fear.

God is worthy of praise. Hallelujah!

On the last day of my Canberra-Sydney Hillsong trip, I felt fear gradually creeping into every cell of my body. Something in me screamed that I ought to be so afraid. Technically, I am homeless. What could be scarier than having no place to call home? For those few hours, I had a slight understanding of how homeless people must feel.

But something else in me was louder than that voice of despair. It told me to put my trust in the Lord. It told me that even the lilies of the field are clothed by Him. It told me that because He is with me, I do not need to fear.

I decided to go with the voice of hope. And to continuously speak the truth and hope over my life. Where else can I put my hope but in the Lord God Almighty?

In my financial crises, He provided.
That last time I desperately needed a place to stay, He provided.
Why would He not this time?
He is my Abba. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.
My Abba who loves me will take care of me.

I am to put His work before my concerns and all these things shall be added unto me.
His heart is for the lost and Hillsong was a fantastic reminder to stop focusing on ourselves and rise together with the Church! It really IS time.

But it all starts on the inside. It all starts with a firm foundation - Christ. If we do not know just how much we are loved and become so secure in that love, it's hard for us to maintain this passion for the lost.

Because He loved me first, I love Him.
Because He loves me, I love His people.

Not really alone

2009-06-23T19:21:00.003+08:00

Ever since Kin left I've felt... intermittently despondent. The life I was used to - spent with a companion by my side - changed forever at 12am last Sunday. I must say the past 1-2 years felt pretty good. I never had to be alone, whether it was shopping for groceries, shopping for clothes, watching a DVD, going out for dinner, bringing Terry to the park, cooking...

If ever I felt like I needed company, he was there. If ever I felt like I needed a helping hand, he was there too. Go out into the freezing cold to turn on the hot water, change the light bulb, help with my shopping, help do the cooking when I'm busy with exams... He was not only a helper in my life, he was a companion such that I never felt lonely in a place far away from home.

I spent Monday afternoon and night all by myself in a cold, empty house. I really missed having life in the house, sounds of conversations, of busy cooking, of footsteps. This silence takes a little getting used to.

Yet God made me a promise. I remember. He said that I will never be alone; He is always with me.

There is this struggle: this strange parallel of existing here on earth and yet possessing an eternal soul built for heaven. Of human emotion vs the TRUTH. I may feel down sometimes, thinking about how "alone" I am now, thinking about how life here seems meaningless now that a "soul mate" has left... Yet the Truth tells me to rejoice in the Lord always. "Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance." (Romans 5:3 Amplified)

I never thought I could manage being in a house all by myself. Now I have to do just that, at least for the next month. I've only just realized how dependent I have been on others, that I failed to depend on Him first and foremost.

Before Kin left, I was almost panicky about all the stuff I needed him to help me with. I kept thinking that time was running out and once he was gone, it was just me. What if I have to move that piece of furniture? What if I have to dismantle this? What if the hot water goes out whilst I'm in the shower? How can I do it all by myself?

I started becoming consumed by my emotions. I neglected going to Him. And it made me forget that I'm not all by myself, that I've never been all by myself. How else did I think I made it till today? I could never have done anything without Him. He is my strength, my very present help in time of need.

Today, I started enjoying this "independence". Even if it was only in the random minutes or seconds, I recognized the beginning of enjoyment. I moved my study desk from the old room into this one. It wasn't easy. I had to try out many different angles in order to make it out of the old room, and then again to get in this room. Before today, I thought I needed someone to do it for me or at least with me. I know God doesn't mean for me to be alone forever, but I'm learning to enjoy this alone-ness with Him. To know that I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength, even those I once thought were physically impossible.

There are some moments where I sit there thinking about how quiet the house is. The weather doesn't help either. Weather forecast says it will be rainy the whole week. (Although, really thank God for nice sunny weather on Sun and yesterday! It was an uplifting break from the gloom) As I sit there and feel quite overwhelmed by the silence, I sometimes break into tearful episodes. But then I give myself about.. 2minutes, and after I let out all that emotion, I turn my attention to Him, remind myself of what He has said, and move on...

This entry will be a good reminder of this season in my life. Eileen, He is always with you. His hands are always outstretched to you, to embrace you when you're down, to lift you up, to hold your hand when you walk through the roads ahead.

He's not Deaf, He's my Daddy

2009-05-09T20:33:00.004+08:00

Okay, forgive the lame title. (It was inspired by "he's not heavy, he's my brother")

Lately, God has been emphasizing his constant presence in my life. Every day, every hour, every minute, even down to the second. He said He will never leave me nor forsake me, and He will always be with me. Never and always. Both extremes. And when God promises, He delivers.

He has also been showing me just how much of a Daddy He is. We seem to always learn about the 'God' that He is but sometimes, we don't remember enough that He is also very much a Dad, Abba.

There was this one incident that happened to me yesterday that reiterated both points. I got off work late and was rushing (read: speeding) to church for youth. As it seems to happen especially when I'm late, all the traffic lights were turning red on my approach. After about 3 or 4 red lights, I got pretty frustrated and uttered this out loud, "God, can you please make ALL the lights green for me so that I can get to church quickly to praise & worship you!" It was more like a demand, with 'please' added in an attempt to sound polite. About 1/3 of me didn't really expect it to happen.

But it did. It was amazing. You should have been in the car with me. Every time I approached a red light and got ready to apply my brakes, it turned green. Even the ones that only just turned red quickly changed to green as I neared it.

It was a simple incident. Some might even put it down to good luck or mere coincidence. But I don't buy that. I know that I know this was the work of my Daddy's hands. My Daddy who holds the universe in His hands. He didn't have to do that. He absolutely didn't have to act on this one whim of mine. But He did!

I'm not saying He always acts on all our whims. (He probably shouldn't anyway) All I'm saying is this is my Daddy, overflowing with love for me. His ears are always open to my cries. His presence is an ever-presence. He can be found even in the most insignificant minutes of life.

I can recall countless similar incidents, like trying to find parking, or trying to locate a missing item. He is not deaf. If anything, He has really good hearing! Sometimes, all it takes is an acknowledgment that He is indeed with us and He is always ready and willing to hear and answer our cries. It's too easy to forget that He is with us in every situation, but the fact is He is, just waiting for us to engage Him in our daily lives.

Say it again

2009-04-14T01:01:00.004+08:00

Ps. David was preaching an amazing series on the power of our testimony.
I'm blogging this to remind myself and also hopefully to encourage anyone who reads this!

The Bible says there is power in our testimony.
"And they have defeated him by the blood of the lamb and by their testimony." (Rev 12:11)

Interestingly, the Hebrew of 'testimony' means 'repeat again'. There is power when we speak of what God has done in our lives, not only to glorify Him but to create the opportunity for Him to do it again. Strangely enough too, the word 'remember' in Hebrew means 'being a male'. That is because a man carries the seed of reproduction, and to 'remember' means to be directed to the fact that God wants to reproduce the miracles in our lives.

When we speak of what He has done, it actually reveals God's heart. If God would heal in times of sickness, what does that tell us about Him? If God would provide in times of financial need, what does that tell us about Him? Getting to know God's heart builds up faith in us to trust Him through anything and everything.

This is the part I love the most. God sets a precedent every time He does a miracle, since He is the same yesterday, today and forever. In common law countries, a precedent is set every time a higher court decides on a case with a certain type of facts. Following the decision, all lower courts are to follow the precedent when a similar case, based on the facts, is brought before them. God sets a precedent too. If God provided for me when I had a financial need last year, He will provide for me if I have a financial need this year. He cannot be my loving daddy last year and an uncaring God this year. He cannot be good today and bad tomorrow. He is the same FOREVER. He sets a precedent for Himself. He is God.

Ps. David reminded us that renewing our minds (with God's word) is like magnetizing an iron bar. When we think in contrary to what God's word says, we are to renew our minds constantly with the truth, just like an iron bar needs to be stroked in one direction repeatedly in order to be magnetized. Once it's magnetized, it takes on the properties of the magnet. This applies to us.

We should be eager to share and remember our testimonies, both the big and the 'little' things that God does for us daily. Repeating and focusing on them instead of the bad things that happen in our lives help us stand firm in times of trouble. It's a way of bringing His kingdom to earth.

Silent all these months

2009-03-22T22:14:00.002+09:00

Little did I realize that following my last post, I would be silenced for many months before I could write again. On many separate occasions, I wanted to blog but was always stumped when I arrived at the blogger page. Some months later, a friend pointed out to me that I couldn't blog about anything (God-related) due to unforgiveness in my heart. It was true. I thought God was done with teaching me about forgiveness but I was far from making the grade.

A few weeks after that last post, I began to recognize bitterness once again surfacing in my heart. All the while, I thought I was cruising along fine, having decided to forgive and let go. But I hadn't guarded my heart and before I knew it, I was hating again.

I remember one particular conversation with a friend. I got pretty worked up as the conversation progressed, as more and more memories replayed in my mind. I kept thinking to myself, 'what an asshole', 'what a coward'. And as these emotions boiled within me, it exploded in the form of a really nasty and needless to say, completely uncalled for sms.

I had innocently believed that I'd put everything behind me but following this incident, I realized just how much anger I had towards this person. Why was I so angry? Exactly what did he do?

Another friend kept advising me to apologize as it was the 'right thing to do'. Deep down in my heart, I believed it was too. But my flesh wouldn't take any of that apologizing nonsense. I retorted with the likes of, 'What? You gotta be kidding me! If anyone owes an apology, it's him! Why should I apologize when he doesn't deserve it?!'

He kept persuading me to apologize, adding that this wasn't even about the other person, it was about me and my own welfare. 'Yes, he doesn't deserve it, but it's still the right thing to do.'

I know I agree with him. I know, really really deep down in my heart, that if I want to grow and truly enjoy the freedom bought for me on the cross, I have to FORGIVE and purge all the toxins from my body.

Even though this whole issue may seem insignificant, I'm beginning to realize just how much of an impact it has on my life. I began to feel so guilt-stricken by the sms I wrote, wondering if I became someone's stumbling block. I began to feel unworthy in church. I began to question how I could hold unforgiveness in my heart when Jesus forgave me unconditionally. Maybe the person in question wasn't even affected by the sms, but the truth is, I affected myself. I knew there would be consequences but I'm just starting to grasp how serious it is.

I know I will eventually apologize. I almost did the other night but some things stopped me again. God is tugging on my heart to rectify the situation, to be the bigger person. Most of the time, no, I should say all of the time, He gets His way in the end. As Daryl put it, I am an overcomer and this won't stop me for long.

The Forgiveness Lesson

2008-08-18T20:26:00.013+08:00

Forgiving must be one of the hardest things to do. To acknowledge that someone has hurt you deeply yet seeing beyond that and making a choice to love.. when all you want to do is hate.

Matt 5:43-47: "You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that."

I used to read that and think that when the time comes for me to love my enemy, I will be up for it. When it (my enemy) showed up however, all sorts of thoughts and feelings flooded my entire being and forgiveness certainly wasn't one of them. What I truly wanted was for it to suffer the wrath of God's justice. What I truly wanted was for it to be condemned to eternal guilt for the pain it caused me. There was one night when I just sat in bed and poured out all the sewage I had in my heart to God, and as I told a friend, I must have sounded a lot like David in Psalm 109. Bottomline, it wasn't pretty.

God is patient. He invested at least the last six months of His time trying to teach me true forgiveness. (although of course it's arguable that with eternity in His hands, a few months probably isn't that bad..) When I wanted to curse and whinge, He would listen patiently and as I imagined it, He would be nodding lovingly whilst covering both ears with His hands. It's just something I pictured that makes me laugh. When I was tempted to make bad choices about how to deal, He would send a friend to remind me of His Word. I am so thankful that I didn't execute some of the plans I had come up with. In hindsight, I would have regretted them deeply.

Forgiveness really isn't a feeling, as I learnt. When I look at someone who spewed lies about me and plotted against me, I certainly don't feel a lot of love for that person. Forgiveness is a choice. It's also a daily choice. I can squeeze my heart out trying my best to forgive someone in one session and truly believe that it's a done deal, yet spot this person from a distance in the next instance and forget I was supposed to have forgiven. Maybe this is why people constantly lament, "but I've already resolved to forgive! I really have. Why do I still hate that person?!" Sometimes I still struggle with the 'feeling' of forgiveness but I realise now that it's a choice.

As I've also learnt, forgiveness is an attitude. As with love (although I find the two aren't exactly two distinct entities), it is taking the initiative to encourage, to give of yourself, to do that which your mind tries to stop you from doing. We wouldn't normally approach a stranger with an infectious disease and give them hugs. We wouldn't normally give up a year's wages in order to bless someone else. It just doesn't sit in nicely with how our brain normally works. Remarkably, this is what we're told not to be. Normal. We are not to fit in with how the world normally works.

Romans 12:1-2: "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

Our culture says that when a person is 'unclean', it's best to leave him alone lest you catch the disease yourself. Our culture says that to give away a year's wages to bless someone else is insanity when the money can be used to upgrade our own standard of living.

Jesus defied His culture. He healed on the Sabbath, He ate with tax collectors, He didn't keep His distance from 'unclean' people - instead, He got close to them and healed them. The famous woman who anointed Jesus' feet with perfume defied her culture. It was said that her perfume was worth a year's wages, yet she poured it onto Jesus' feet in an extravagant act of worship.

The same goes for forgiveness. Our culture says that you don't forgive and love someone who hates you.. but Jesus says the exact opposite! Matt 5:38-42: "Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.' Is that going to get us anywhere? Here's what I propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously."

No more tit-for-tat stuff! No more. We are to live as God's children in His truth, no longer in the foolishness of our former ways which only lead to death. His ways lead to life. His ways lead to unity in the church and salvation in the world.

It's not easy to forgive, just as it's not easy to be different from the world. But we are a generation set apart for God and it has to start from within His church. We need to let go of our differences and pursue after our common goal for God to be glorified; those petty differences are simply too insignificant in light of the great commission He has placed upon us.

-scripture from The Message

My Future Decided

2008-03-23T22:55:00.006+09:00

God's love is so amazing.

Lifegroup on Wed was a worship night. God's presence was so strong, the atmosphere was soaked through with His love. Personally I really needed that time alone with God, just resting in Him, worshipping Him, enjoying Him. I cried till I had no tears left to cry that night, in my own little corner where I was conscious of only Him and me. His presence is so soothing, it wipes away every last streak of weariness.

I remember that at one point, 'How He Loves' by John Mark Mcmillan started playing. As this particular line was repeated again and again, 'Oh how He loves us! Oh how He loves us! Oh how He loves us!"", I felt God's love permeate every single cell in my body, saturated to the point of bursting... and all I could do was fall to my knees and cry tears of joy... That night, God pursued us unceasingly with His intense love and as we came together to pray, one person after another spoke out loud about His unconditional, unquenchable love.

1 John 4:18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

No fear. I am safe in His perfect love.
So many questions, so many decisions facing me continually. Just rest. Just rest in Him.
To have (fully) experienced His love means to be sure about it, to be secure in it.
Whatever works out, whatever doesn't... one thing is sure, He loves me and He only wants the best for me.

Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Matt 7:9-11 You parents - if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him.

"Eileen, don't try to piece everything together. You'll just make a mess of things. The way I gave you the glimpses of the different fragments of your life to come. The same way will I bring them into fruition. I will bring them to pass. Keep your heart right, Keep your heart after me."
(thanks Daryl for giving me these words too)

(and these) "There will be times where it may seem like its not going to work out. No path reveals itself...but when you know God calls, you stick in it. Might not be immediate...might take a little longer than you like...but if you're after His heart... the timing is NEVER wrong. Your mind will be your worst enemy.

2 cor 10:5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ (NKJV)

Every thought against what God said must be destroyed and replaced with what is in line with what He said. Don't list out the things that are against you Eileen. You have power."

All other bible verses New Living Translation

He believes in me...

2008-03-09T00:11:00.002+09:00

The night of 7th March 2008.

"He is well-pleased to come into your house."
It's true that I thought I hadn't cleaned up enough... but He says He is well-pleased.

"He's ready to present you to the world as the Eileen He planned and purposed for."
This is time to bloom.

He doesn't even mention, doesn't even arouse consciousness of sin.
It doesn't even matter.
All He says is... I love you. I believe in you. This is your season, this is your time.
All He sees is who I can be in Him, all that He made me to be...

Breathtaking.

I worship You

2008-03-01T20:45:00.002+09:00

You have redeemed my life
Called me by name, now I see light
When I pass through the waters You are with me
When I walk through the fire I'll not be burned

For You are the Lord, my God
And You Love me with an everlasting love

So I worship You, So I worship You
All my life I will worship You

So I worship You, So I worship You
All my life I will worship You...

This is the Year

2008-02-26T19:43:00.004+09:00

There's something incredibly exciting, incredibly different about 2008.
It's almost March and nothing particularly extraordinary has happened yet, but I know that I know that this year is a year of new beginnings, of the outpouring of God's overflowing favour, of changes, miracles...

There's so much more.
There's so much more.
God has been telling me He has so much more in store for me.

2007 is done... all its joy and tears, all the lessons, challenges, battles. It wasn't a cruisy year, to say the least.
But that's done. And now I have 2008.
I will not remain the same.
I will increase in every area of my life, and I can boldly ask and believe for that simply because I am God's beloved and He is such a good God. Not by might, not by power but by the spirit of the Lord.
I will see God's immeasurable, far and beyond favour over every area of my life!
It's time for increase, for promotion.
Woooot!
And as Joel Osteen likes to say, 2008 will be my best year so far!

His song over me

2007-12-12T23:52:00.000+09:00

On the night of 30 November 2007, I was having an intimate time of worship with God when something very special happened. It was one of those harder nights, where I had questions and my spirit felt saddened.

For years I had wondered why I was who I was in terms of my personality, why I was so different, why I had such deep and difficult thoughts that sometimes it seemed hard for others to connect with me. Generally, on a superficial level I get along fine with others. I believe I also connect well one-on-one. However over the years I've come to realize I have a tendency to drift off in the background in groups of 3 people and more. It's like I just shut up.. the conversation flows all around me but I never really get too involved. Gradually people seem to forget I'm there altogether. I still haven't figured out why but I reckon that's part of my personality. I tend to just sit back and observe and most of the activity seems to go on in my own mind instead of out of my mouth. I do participate but only at intermittent junctures in the conversation. There were also other parts of my personality that I disliked.

And so I was talking to Daddy and asking Him why He made me this way. I know there's no mistake. He has made me exactly the way I need to be for whatever He's called me to do in this life. Nevertheless, it gets discouraging sometimes.. especially since I've not yet arrived at the centre of my destiny and so it's still unclear as to how my personality fits the role.

Anyway, I began singing 'No one else like You' and came to the chorus:
"there is no one else like You,
there is no one besides You,
there is no one else like You,
my God, my King, no one else"

Then the most amazing thing happened. I felt God singing it right back to me.
"there is no one else like you,
there is no one besides you,
there is no one else like you,
my child, no one else"

All the while I've been trying to tell God there's no one else like Him to me.. never did I imagine that it was His song over me too.

I am so precious and beautiful to my King. He made me with His own hands and breathed His life into me. There is only one of me in the entire universe and to Him there is truly no one else like me!

Beyond physical individuality like our fingerprints and DNA, He gave each of us an even deeper uniqueness. God knows us not only by our earthly appearance; He knows our souls and spirits. Every single one of us is His intricate masterpiece and there is only one of each in the entire universe.

Daddy I pray we'll have fresh revelations of how deep, wide, high, great and strong is Your love for us every day! And that we would know just how very precious we are to You...

Take this cup from me

2007-11-30T14:02:00.000+09:00

Yesterday night I prayed for Daddy to take me home in my sleep.
I think it's similar to how Jesus prayed in Gethsemane, "Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will."
It's a privilege to be alive at this time and I thank God for every new day He wakes me up and gives me breath.
But what can compare to going home?

For as long as we live, there will be challenges, disappointment, hurt, struggles... If I had an option, I would go straight to my Daddy's side and have every tear wiped away forever. Of course, that's the easy way out. Paul himself mentioned it, but that it was better for him to remain for the benefit of others. In the same way, I know my work here is not done.

one day, one glorious day, I'll sing Your praises in the presence of angels
until that glorious day, I offer my life to You

Obviously, God didn't take me home.
Not yet. It's not time yet.
But what a glorious hope I have in Him... Jesus has prepared a place for me.
When my work here is done I will finally be where I really belong.

What are you hoping for?

2007-11-12T00:26:00.000+09:00

Wayne Alcorn spoke at Riverview yesterday for 'Big Weekend' about faith and hope and it absolutely blew me away. Here I'll attempt to retell parts of his message.

Hebrews 11:1 says this: "now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Since faith is being sure of what we hope for, the natural question to ask would be, what are we hoping for?

What are you hoping for today?

Are you hoping for your financial situation to improve?
Make it more specific! Do you need to pay off a house? Do you need $2000 for a mission trip? (hehehe. you know who you are)
Are you hoping for better relationships?
Commit each relationship specifically to God!
He wants to know every detail.

It's similar to having a vision and mission. We need to know exactly what we want to see achieved before we can plan how to achieve them. Put into context, we need to know exactly what we're hoping for in order to have faith for those things.

In the Bible, we often see people with needs crying out to Jesus with specific requests. A blind man would ask to see, a deaf man to hear, a mute man to speak. When Jesus asked them what they wanted Him to do for them, they didn't say 'let Your will be done'. No! They told Jesus exactly what they needed. So it should be with us in this day and age. General prayers can sound very good, but really we need to say it as it is.

Last night I listed down everything that I was hoping to see in my life and committed them to Daddy. I think it's beautiful how He often speaks of things that aren't as if they were. That's what I'll do with my list. See with eyes of faith, not doubt. Speak them out and see them come to pass!

Just for today God, let me linger in the past

2007-11-05T22:01:00.000+09:00

Today I took a walk down memory lane, in order to forget.
It hurt. But I knew I had to confront it sooner or later.
I traced the path we often walked, I felt the grass and lingered at the pond that used to mean something.
The laughter, the warmth, the words... they were clear as day in my mind.
I will cherish the pure joy and love from a year ago on this day.

Today was quite hard. I felt like my tears would choke me. It was cold and dark, but I had to take the walk. There are things I might never understand, questions that might never be answered. Why did he bail? All the words said that night did not sound the least bit logical. It was a bunch of excuses. Why let something so beautiful go down the drain? I'm still confused.

I was talking to a friend and I was asking why people bail out on me. He said there's a God-given streak in me that most guys cannot handle. That I'm not typical. Well then God the next guy better be tough enough to handle me! I don't need another wimp or coward. He needs to be a man of God who is mature and strong enough to stand by me through everything.

A relationship goes through many ups and downs and requires heaps of effort to maintain. It's true what they say... if he leaves at the slightest problem at the beginning, how can you entrust yourself to him in marriage? Nothing personal against the men, but I truly think this generation needs more men who are mature enough to handle a relationship well and treat the ladies like ladies. (an extra sorry to the guys in my church, but I think this problem is particularly rampant there!) (will the real men please stand up?)

I saw some of his friends the other day and I was going to wave and say hi but one of them deliberately turned his back to me. I don't understand. They can be so childish. To be honest that really hurt me.. I don't think I deserved the hostility.

Alright... enough whinging.

That's it, God.
You've heard me. You know everything. You take it all.

I know I shouldn't have, but I lingered in the past today.
I needed that time to clear my head, to confront this, to heal once and for all.

It ends today.
I'm moving on.

Do you not sense it?

2007-11-03T12:41:00.000+09:00

Do you feel it? Do you?
Behold, God is doing something new.
You do not want to miss out.

Something supernatural is happening in the atmosphere here and I'm telling you, you really want to watch Australia in the years to come. God has been consecrating and preparing His people for a long time now, and supernatural breakthroughs are about to manifest themselves. He is giving us new wineskins in preparation for the new wine that will be poured out. Hallelujah!

Do you really not sense it???

Then it's time to get on your knees and pray and ask Him to show you these great and unsearchable things! You really don't want to miss out! I quote Ps. Bernard Blessing, there's no more time to joke around, it's time to get serious with God. We need to stop beating around the bush when we come before God in prayer, say it as it is! If you want healing, say you want to be healed. If you need money, say so.

Do you sense the urgency? Calling God's people: It's time to rise up! It's time to see beyond our personal issues and join hands with our local church to pursue the great commission placed upon our lives. (Yes I am very much saying all these to myself too) Join us, brothers and sisters, and PRAY. Please, body of Christ, pray for Australia! This is so crucial... we're talking about the whole world here. Ask Him and He will show you why!

Oh! I am so excited! Just wait and see. Every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord... It's not too long now...

I consider them rubbish...

2007-10-21T18:38:00.000+08:00

All of us have people and things in our lives we consider essential- loved ones, prized possessions, etc. Many times, (and possibly more to come since I'm so decidedly human) I've been guilty of thinking that I couldn't live without any of them, or at minimum wouldn't be fulfilled without them. I'm certain most of us have had those thoughts. 'I won't be happy until I get that house/car', 'I can't live without that person in my life', 'I won't be satisfied until I reach a certain position/salary at work'...

The more we fall in love with Christ, the less important these things become in our lives. I love what Paul says - I have to plagiarize because these are the exact words resounding in my soul -

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ! What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead! (exclamation marks my own)

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ!
I consider them rubbish!
I would rather know Christ and lose everything than gain the whole world and not know Christ.

He matters the most to me - not my earthly possessions, not the people in my life. I love those things and people and God loves to bless me with them because He is so extremely extravagantly good (and most certainly He has called us to relationships and to fellowship), but they are nothing compared to gaining Christ.

With or without the things I love, I will seek after Christ passionately and advance His kingdom.
With or without the people I love, I will seek after Christ passionately and advance His kingdom.

All these things will be added to me (Matt 6:33) but first I will seek His kingdom and His righteousness.
Sometimes that can really hurt a lot.. but when we truly 'get it' we will be willing to pay the price no matter how much it costs us.

I love the lyrics of this Youth Alive song:

I lay down my life at Your feet
The cross is what I need
Whatever it takes, whatever the cost
I'll live for You
I'll live for You

and this song by Graham Kendrick:

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this

Knowing You, Jesus
Knowing You, there is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know You more
To be found in You and known as Yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All-surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh, to know the power of Your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like You in Your death, my Lord
So with You to live and never die

Yes... Jesus is the only one I live for and the only one I need.

Questions and Answers

2007-10-16T10:41:00.000+08:00

Before the memorial service, I was tormented by a lot of heartache and grief.

Even now I can't explain why I feel this way when I didn't know his brother personally. Perhaps I did know him spiritually, through months of praying for him. Even though I wasn't physically there, I was alongside them throughout this journey, rejoicing together in victories won and standing firm in prayer together.

Or perhaps it's a deep, deep love.. agape love.. that I have towards this brother of mine.. so much so that I can literally feel the pain he feels. I can't explain it, I really can't. The depth of love I have towards him and his family amazes me. It is of God and not of the world.

For the first time in my life, I actually understood what it meant to love someone with agape love. It says in 1 Corinthians 13:5 that (love) is not self-seeking. I desperately wanted to be at the airport when he & his family arrived back in Perth just to give him a hug, and I'm sure there are some of us who might have felt the same way.. but we recognized that it was not about us, it was about him, about his best interests.

So I decided not to go and that it was probably best for him to have a smaller reception. I didn't think he needed the overwhelming attention at this stage. In verses 7-8, it says '(love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails'. I'm sure all of us who loved him held on to hope and always believed in his brother's healing. He never gave up and neither did we.

When I found out about his brother's passing, a deep sense of grief came over me. I couldn't sleep the next few nights and I found it hard to concentrate. There were many questions in my mind, and I found myself asking God a resounding 'why?'

I remembered this particular afternoon I was praying for his brother.. I had such a strong conviction from the Holy Spirit that the battle was already won, that his brother was already healed because of what Jesus did on the cross, that the symptoms were only a temporal lie and it would go away very soon. I was greatly confused at the news of his passing, not only because of that but due to the fact that his brother was still so young, he had a wife and I thought he probably still had things to do on this earth.

Before I left and as I was driving to the memorial service, I was telling God that I needed to have some answers to put an end to the torment. I knew that I could not lean on my own understanding and I knew that in situations like these, all our human reasons and logic fail. I just needed some reassurance from God.

When his brother's wife gave the eulogy, the cloud over my eyes began to clear and I felt an overwhelming peace in my heart. She confessed that she had the same kind of questions I had. She also felt that he was young and probably didn't finish his work on the earth. However, she went on to share some entries from his journal and she said that reading through his journal made her realize that his job here was indeed done! The purposes of God put in him have been fulfilled, and he had fought the good fight, finished the race and kept the faith. Through his life and testimony, his earthly parents came to know Christ and his wife grew to be a godly woman. His life was part of a much bigger picture that God was painting...

Finally at one point, the question that tormented me the most was answered. She said she wanted to encourage those of us who have been praying for her husband's healing, that our prayers were not in vain. He was completely healed of cancer before he went to be with the Lord. When I heard that, I broke down. Peace overwhelmed me.

Even though he has now departed, the power of the life he led continues to impact. It has impacted me deeply for the better, it has given me an even greater revelation of God's great love and faithfulness, a clearer understanding of the 'bigger picture' of God's kingdom and purposes. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

There are still some less significant questions in my mind, but I know I have to let them go. Our human capacity to understand and reason is too limited. It's natural for us to question but to continue dwelling in that place will only lead to destruction. The only position for us to take is to trust God, to know without doubt that He is good and He is for us.

I thank God that although I'm not even part of that family, He regarded me highly and He answered my cries specifically through the eulogies. I thank God that He gave me answers to my most pressing questions. I thank God that what the devil meant for evil, He turns around for so much good.

My heart goes out to the family and especially to his wife... I know it will be very painful at times, but God is their strength. I thank God that He has caused them to hope in Him such that they have remained so strong, and I believe that they will continue to walk in His purposes until that glorious day when they are done here and they will see their beloved again...

Rest in You

2007-10-15T23:24:00.000+08:00

Your faithfulness endures always
Where mountains fall and reason fails
And You calm the raging seas
And You calm the storms in me, again

All I know is I find rest in You
All I know is I find rest in You

Why

2007-10-14T16:51:00.000+08:00

This is very painful. If it's so painful for me, I can't even begin to imagine how painful it must be for them. I have many questions. I can't sleep. My heart aches.

Yet through it all, You are still God, You are still in control, You have all the answers.

I will not lean on my own understanding... I pray the same for them. I pray for Your peace that transcends all understanding to consume them. There are many questions that go unanswered, but Your praise will always be on our lips.

I praise You God that Your precious son is now in heaven with You.
Every tear is wiped away, all suffering has ceased forever, he rests in everlasting arms.

I press on toward the goal

2007-10-12T12:26:00.001+08:00

Today I turn 23.

Looking back at the 23 years God has given me so far, I feel saddened that I took so much time to understand and grab hold of my calling. Countless times, He has told me to rise up, step up, to embark on the journey of greatness He has laid out ahead of me. I always had an excuse. Fear, many forms of it. It grieves me to think about where I could be now, what I could have done for Him, if I had responded earlier. However, this is no time for regrets. Reflection is good and it's natural to feel sad about what could have been, but God calls us to looks forward.

He is not limited by time or by our age. 23 seems old to me, especially considering the fact that many leaders in youth ministries start at tender ages of 18, 19, 20.. Comparison will get us nowhere though. He has a perfect plan for every single one of us. No matter how long we take, no matter how many times we fall, He can still put us back on the right track. In fact, all the times we fell and all the painful lessons we had to learn only serve to get us ready for the great things He calls us to! God takes us one step at a time. We may not realize it but He's been preparing us for many many years...

So I'm 23 and I feel like I'm light years away from fulfilling God's call on my life, but I will not be discouraged. The next 23 years of my life will be phenomenal! In fact, I believe that I will see greater things in the next 5 years, 10 years, than I've seen in my entire life so far. Once we respond to God in faith, He can restore to us all the years that we seem to have lost. We need to see things in the supernatural and discard all the discouraging forecasts our eyes give in the natural!

'Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus...'
(Philippians 3:13-14, NIV)

In the Secret Place

2007-10-10T19:28:00.001+08:00

We all face valleys in life. The going gets really tough sometimes. There have been numerous moments where I've thought, 'now would be a good time for You to come back, Jesus...'

We see the world deal with moments like these in various ways.. with motivational self-help stuff that tell people to believe in themselves and their 'inner strength', by hardening their hearts and burying themselves in work, by convincing themselves the issue does not exist, by seeing a shrink.. etc.

On the surface these may seem like positive actions, and there's really nothing essentially wrong with them. The problem is they are not permanent solutions. Apart from bringing our broken hearts and lives to Jesus and allowing Him to heal and restore, there is no permanent solution. Other methods distract and appear to aid our healing for a short while but in the long run we end up carrying baggage which resurface continually.

Habakkuk 3:17-18 says,

"Though the fig tree does not blossom
and there is no fruit on the vines,
though the product of the olive fails
and the fields yield no food,
though the flock is cut off from the fold
and there are no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!"
(Amplified)

How is it that everything seems to be going wrong, yet the author says he will rejoice in the Lord? The answer is found in verse 19:

"The Lord God is my Strength,
my personal bravery, and my invincible army;
He makes my feet like hinds' feet
and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk]
and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places
[of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!"

The whole of last month has proved to be a very trying time in my life. It has been extremely painful, confusing and frustrating all at once. The only reason I still laugh and have joy within me is because the Lord is my strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army. He makes me walk and make spiritual progress upon my high places of pain and confusion! As I come before Him and lay it all down before Him daily, He makes whole all my brokenness and heals all my hurt. It is in the secret place, just me and my God... that I am restored.

I get a devotional from Joseph Prince in my inbox everyday (you have to sign up if you haven't already) and it blesses me tremendously. Even though it's sent to the masses, it almost always ministers to me in the exact area I needed ministering for that day. Today was no exception. Pastor Prince quoted Isaiah 61:7 and wrote, 'God says in His Word that you will receive double for your troubles. If the devil has given you one trouble, then for that one trouble, you can expect to receive a double-portion blessing! And if that trouble has caused you to experience shame, God’s promise to you is this: Instead of your shame you shall have double honour.'

Recently, things have happened which caused me to be disappointed and hurt. I strongly disagree with the way certain things were dealt with and I feel like some have been very unfair to me. I was unable to defend myself and explain my side of the story. It seemed to me that I was portrayed as the bad person and I felt like I was discredited in front of many people. To that, God says that He Himself is my vindication, and instead of my shame I will have double honour.

"Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,
I will not be disgraced.
Therefore, I have set my face like a stone,
determined to do his will.

And I know that I will not be put to shame.
He who gives me justice is near.
Who will dare to bring charges against me now?
Where are my accusers?
Let them appear!

See, the Sovereign Lord is on my side!
Who will declare me guilty?"
(Isaiah 50:7-9, NLT)

On a separate note, Ps. David said something on last Sunday's service which stopped me in my tracks for a moment. He said that forgiveness does not mean approval. How true. I do not approve of how things were dealt with, the choices that were made.. I know that I would have done everything so differently.

I don't approve... but I forgive.

It's About Relationships

2007-10-09T18:42:00.000+08:00

In God's kingdom, it's all about relationships. He created us to have an intimate relationship with Him, He planned for man and woman to be united in marriage and for His children to be united as a body of Christ enjoying fellowship with each other. I understood the first two but up till recently found it hard to understand the importance of the last one.

We are all created with different personalities and it's difficult (if not impossible) to get along with everyone. Some people will naturally attract us, while others might have the opposite effect. For a period of time, I was really struggling with this. It seemed like I was surrounded by people I didn't 'click' with in church and it was quite torturous having to hang around them. All I did was basically 'put up' with them and escape as fast as I could when the event ended.

Over the past few weeks, God has been transforming my mind and giving me new perspectives in this area. Building relationships are fundamental to building the church. We need to be a close-knitted, united and loving community in order to reach out to the lost because that in itself is a testimony. If there is disunity and discord within the church, how can we expect the people we bring to want to stay on? It starts from the inside. The people make up the heartbeat of the church, and this will overflow into the streets, communities, cities, nations... I want the overflow of my church's heart to be love.

As my mindset changed, the way I behaved changed too. I want to pour out myself - my time, love, energy - into people because every single one of them is so precious to God and have such vital roles to play. At resort, I found myself especially drawn to the younger girls. I just feel so much love for them! I want to help nurture them and walk with them through life because I've been there and I know how painful and confusing it can get... I see so much potential in them!

Granted, I still don't particularly enjoy being around some people. But that's no longer the point. If that's what it takes to advance God's kingdom, I'm in! I will put self interest aside and live for Christ.

I lay down my life for You
Throw down my crowns before You
Give up my all for Your name...

Why Settle?

2007-10-08T11:02:00.000+08:00

For some of us, it's been ingrained into our system from early childhood that we don't deserve any better. This mentality tucks itself into our subconsciousness and causes us to settle for less than what God intended for us. I am so guilty of this. It's amazing how thick we can be! The Holy Spirit had to remind me time and again to simply open my mouth and ask for healing, finances, favour, etc.

I was suffering from a gum infection throughout last week and it never even occurred to me to ask for healing. Somehow I simply accepted it as normal and that it would go away eventually. The Holy Spirit reminded me yesterday to ask, so I sort of casually mumbled in my mind that my gum infection was already healed when Jesus bore all my diseases on the cross. When I woke up this morning my gum was no longer swollen or in pain! Praise God. I absolutely believe that He hears and answers even when we 'casually mumble' a prayer.

Some Christians only ask God for help when they've tried everything they know. They see God as this busy intimidating figure and it's hard for them to accept that He should be interested in the trivialities of their lives. Ever heard of the phrase 'God only helps those who help themselves?' THAT IS RUBBISH! I say God can't help those who help themselves! Let me elaborate. There is nothing wrong with doing our best and 'helping ourselves', if you like. The problem comes when we get so caught up in helping ourselves that we don't allow God to take control over our situations and fight our battles for us.

That is unhealthy! The world says be in control, but God says surrender! The world wants us to work hard to get financial security and status in life, but God wants us to simply rest in Him. We can work ourselves to death but ultimately, neither we nor our employers are our providers. God is our source, God is our provider and He doesn't stop at giving us the bare minimum but He wants to pour out overflowing blessings on every area of our lives.

So why should we worry? Why should we settle in the mentality that we only get as much as we labour and toil for? As God's children we need to stop limiting ourselves and start believing for more. If we think we're being greedy by asking for more from God, we have believed in the devil's lie. We do not have because we do not ask. Our Father wants us to open our mouths and start asking!

Resort Reflections

2007-10-03T21:35:00.000+08:00

I really didn't want to go to resort (or remain at PCLC) due to personal reasons but I just knew I had to. I kept trying to convince myself that God would be ok with me hopping over to Riverview, but the more I tried the more convinced I was that He wanted me to stay put. It was extremely annoying at first (God, why?) but I know that I have a purpose to fulfill in PCLC. In fact, there's really no such thing as 'personal' reasons; since when was it about me? God's kingdom comes first! I've learnt that when He puts you somewhere, your purpose remains unchanged and should not be affected by the formation or termination of relationships. (or anything else for that matter)

So I found myself in Mandurah for Force, this year's young adults' resort, and experienced for myself the fact that God rewards those who seek after Him. I went expecting heaps out of it, and I got heaps more than I expected! Isn't He just amazing? He always does immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. I couldn't sit still at any of the sessions because I was so excited about what God was saying and what He was setting in motion in our lives. I wanted to jump up and shout 'yea! awesome! amen!' at almost every sentence Pastor Josh Kelsey and Pastor David said. It really seemed like all the sessions were tailor-made for me!

I liked the fact that Josh Kelsey kicked off resort with a powerful message about paying the price to reach the lost. Salvation had a purpose and it was to glorify God. And that's how I want to live everyday - glorify God in every situation. I want to lay down my life so that every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord, because He is so beautiful and so worthy of praise!!! I want to passionately pursue my own wholeness so that others will want to know why I'm different and I can point them to my Saviour.

God affirmed the things He said to me before and revealed new ones. Ps. David said during one of the sessions that we should be aware of the desires in our hearts; we need to discern that many of these desires are put there by the Holy Spirit. I've always had a desire to go into business and I never really thought it might be something put in there by God. I was asking God during this session for a bigger picture of what He wants me to do (besides the more obvious ones I already knew like leading worship) and I got an image of myself in a business suit. I was the speaker at a huge women's conference. That blew me away and my tears just flowed non-stop. The Holy Spirit always touches you where it's most sensitive.

Later on in the session someone prayed for me and spoke into my life that I will be a light to the world, saving many for Christ. That held significant meaning for me because my name means 'light' and I always knew that it was not a coincidence. I was predestined to happen, everything about me is exactly what God wanted it to be and my name was selected by God even before I came into this world.

The second part of the vision I got was slightly confusing. Someone was in it and he was beside me in a business suit. Given recent circumstances, that image was not welcome. At this point I think only God understands what it means. Oh well. On to more crucial stuff... ...

I'm really excited about what's going to happen in PCLC. I absolutely believe that there will be phenomenal growth in Revolution over the next six months, that many leaders are going to rise up, that walls of disunity and hostility within the church will be torn down so that people can come in freely. Wow! I thank God that I can be part of the great things He is and will be doing. What a privilege!

It's been revelation after revelation after revelation

2007-09-25T13:38:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I've learnt enough to last a lifetime. Over the years I've come to realize that in God's kingdom, there's no such thing. The process of learning, growing and occasionally falling never ends as He constantly prepares us for greater things. I praise God that He sees our lives from beginning to end, He knows His plans for us and He knows what we can achieve through Him even though we frequently cannot (or refuse to) see it. I praise Him also that He is forever faithful and patient with us, picking us up over and over again, even though we can take ages to learn a lesson. Further, I praise God that He allows us to fall sometimes because He will never sacrifice our highest good for a lesser one, and that He will always save us from the greatest pain by allowing us to go through the lesser one! We have temporal mindsets and we want instant gratification but He has eternity in mind. It is what's eternal that matters most.

Recently I've learnt many important lessons. They cost me heavily and caused a great deal of pain, but often that's necessary for us to learn the lessons well. I've done enough struggling and complaining to know that in the end, God's always right. Always. In the natural, it's hard to see past current situations but ultimately we'll always look back and be grateful He allowed us to go through them.

I never quite understood the serious consequences of bringing baggage into a relationship until recently, when I finally got it through the hard way. If both parties bring their share of unresolved issues from the past into the relationship, it will only end up in pain. Throughout last week I reflected a great deal and discovered that I actually have a number of issues from my past I thought I had dealt with. In reality, I never dealt directly with the root causes. So I asked God to show me what the root causes were and it turned out to be fear, which led to insecurity. Subsequently, that even led to manipulative behaviour. I never saw myself as capable of being manipulative and it really grieved me to realize I probably was! I never had any intention of causing hurt but now I see that out of my own fear and insecurity I did just that.

Most Christians would have heard the familiar story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac his beloved son on the altar. Recently it became more than just another story in the Bible for me; it became very personal. I had to lay what had become my most precious thing on the altar. There's a sense of overwhelming peace and indescribable joy when we relinquish all control over to God, knowing that every good thing we have comes from Him anyway and that He always seeks to do us our highest good. It's in that position of complete surrender and complete trust in Him that He is able to work most effectively in our lives. As that old saying goes, 'let go and let God...'

I've learnt that my testimony matters. As Darlene Zschech put it so aptly, "What you bring to the table is fuelled by your testimony, and let me tell you, your testimony matters. My life is a testimony of the grace of God. He is my everything. The enemy told me I was nothing.. 'loser, loser, loser'.. and God picked me up and said no.. 'winner, winner, winner, child of God, awesome woman of God'.. Can I tell you something? Your testimony will bring a passion to your gift. You will play like you have never played before... let me tell you, you will have a powerful conviction because of what God has done in you. Your testimony matters. It really, really matters'.

I couldn't agree more. If not for the tough times, I wouldn't have experienced so deeply the love, faithfulness, deliverance, healing, comfort... of my Father. If not for the tough times, I wouldn't know Him as intimately and know with all confidence that He remains the same loving God through my success and failures. If not for the tough times, I wouldn't know what it means to praise and worship Him through every circumstance, and mean every single word even through the pain and confusion. If not for the tough times, I wouldn't have gone through countless nights on my knees, to emerge with a burning conviction and unquenchable fire for the things of God. If not for the tough times, I wouldn't be able to reach out, to advance the kingdom of God because I wouldn't understand...

I thank God for being so gracious to me, so much so that He allowed the tough times in order that they may fuel my testimony and bring passion to my gift!

I have so much to learn. For now, I want to learn these lessons quickly and remember them so that God can bring me to even higher grounds. I want to learn them thoroughly so I don't ever have to waste time relearning them! My eyes are focused on God and what He has called me to. I know that His perfect love drives out all my fear and as I bask in Jesus' presence daily, I am made whole and secure in Him. Romantic relationships are very low on my priorities now, but I know that I will enter my next relationship completely whole and free from baggage and it will be used for His glory and to advance His kingdom!

I call You Abba

2007-09-25T10:59:00.000+08:00

This song was written to express the intimacy we can experience with God, who is Lord and King but who above that longs for us to know Him as our Abba Father.

In the secret place
In the coldest night
In my darkest hour
You are Abba

When my head's hung low
and when my tears flow
When I'm on my knees
You are Abba

Chorus:
Alpha and Omega
You are Lord and Saviour
Beautiful, Wonderful, Healer, Redeemer

I call You
God of the universe
Ruler and Conqueror
Magnificent, Glorious, Holy and Righteous

But most of all, most of all
I call You Abba

Abba, Abba
Abba Father

Hear My Cry

2007-09-24T20:48:00.000+08:00

I wrote this song last week in the midst of much emotional pain. It comes from the very core of my heart.

I will not lean
on my own understanding
I will lean on You

Through all the pain
You cover me with Your love
I will stand on Your promises

Chorus:
Hear my cry
I will shout Your praises forever!
With an unquenchable fire
I will live out my destiny
Through every circumstance
I will worship You relentlessly!
Oh Father how great You are!
Hear my cry, Oh Father how great You are

Isaiah 61

2007-09-24T15:05:00.000+08:00

Many Christians have what they would call life verses. I always had favourite verses but never quite came across anything I would call a life verse, something which would really tug at my heart. While worshipping during a service at Riverview last night, God spoke Isaiah 61:1-3 to me and instantly I knew that was it! I am a worshipper, but more than that I know I am destined to be a lead worshipper, to bring healing through my singing. That supernatural moment last night confirmed all that God has put into my heart.

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

2 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.

This is my calling, my destiny, my purpose, my "because"! I was created for His good pleasure and as long as I have breath I will proclaim the good news and advance His kingdom.

My favourite part is "a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Yes, I will lead people to praise and shout the name of the Lord!

On a separate note, I was telling a friend about this and he jokingly commented that I stole Jesus' life verse. (refer Luke 4:16-19)

Funny that, I didn't even recall Jesus saying that even though I've read Luke a few times...