Not really alone

Ever since Kin left I've felt... intermittently despondent. The life I was used to - spent with a companion by my side - changed forever at 12am last Sunday. I must say the past 1-2 years felt pretty good. I never had to be alone, whether it was shopping for groceries, shopping for clothes, watching a DVD, going out for dinner, bringing Terry to the park, cooking...

If ever I felt like I needed company, he was there. If ever I felt like I needed a helping hand, he was there too. Go out into the freezing cold to turn on the hot water, change the light bulb, help with my shopping, help do the cooking when I'm busy with exams... He was not only a helper in my life, he was a companion such that I never felt lonely in a place far away from home.

I spent Monday afternoon and night all by myself in a cold, empty house. I really missed having life in the house, sounds of conversations, of busy cooking, of footsteps. This silence takes a little getting used to.

Yet God made me a promise. I remember. He said that I will never be alone; He is always with me.

There is this struggle: this strange parallel of existing here on earth and yet possessing an eternal soul built for heaven. Of human emotion vs the TRUTH. I may feel down sometimes, thinking about how "alone" I am now, thinking about how life here seems meaningless now that a "soul mate" has left... Yet the Truth tells me to rejoice in the Lord always. "Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance." (Romans 5:3 Amplified)

I never thought I could manage being in a house all by myself. Now I have to do just that, at least for the next month. I've only just realized how dependent I have been on others, that I failed to depend on Him first and foremost.

Before Kin left, I was almost panicky about all the stuff I needed him to help me with. I kept thinking that time was running out and once he was gone, it was just me. What if I have to move that piece of furniture? What if I have to dismantle this? What if the hot water goes out whilst I'm in the shower? How can I do it all by myself?

I started becoming consumed by my emotions. I neglected going to Him. And it made me forget that I'm not all by myself, that I've never been all by myself. How else did I think I made it till today? I could never have done anything without Him. He is my strength, my very present help in time of need.

Today, I started enjoying this "independence". Even if it was only in the random minutes or seconds, I recognized the beginning of enjoyment. I moved my study desk from the old room into this one. It wasn't easy. I had to try out many different angles in order to make it out of the old room, and then again to get in this room. Before today, I thought I needed someone to do it for me or at least with me. I know God doesn't mean for me to be alone forever, but I'm learning to enjoy this alone-ness with Him. To know that I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength, even those I once thought were physically impossible.

There are some moments where I sit there thinking about how quiet the house is. The weather doesn't help either. Weather forecast says it will be rainy the whole week. (Although, really thank God for nice sunny weather on Sun and yesterday! It was an uplifting break from the gloom) As I sit there and feel quite overwhelmed by the silence, I sometimes break into tearful episodes. But then I give myself about.. 2minutes, and after I let out all that emotion, I turn my attention to Him, remind myself of what He has said, and move on...

This entry will be a good reminder of this season in my life. Eileen, He is always with you. His hands are always outstretched to you, to embrace you when you're down, to lift you up, to hold your hand when you walk through the roads ahead.