What's new?

New experiences today:

1. I took a bite of lamb after Cheryl's parents encouraged me to. I haven't had lamb in at least.. well for as long as I can remember. I hate the smell and taste of lamb. It makes me almost want to puke. In fact I am extremely fussy with food.

2. Using whatever Cheryl had in her home to shower and to wash my face.

These might be nothing to most people but it's a pretty big deal to me! I have always been quite.. 'princessy' and stubborn, as Daryl can totally testify to. I think it might be because I was spoilt rotten as a kid. If I hate something, no one can force me to eat it. If I go for a sleepover I usually prepare my own toiletries as I like being able to use my own products.

I took another step in breaking out of that princess-syndrome! Thank God. =)

It was really nice to take a hot shower and sleep on a soft warm bed at Cheryl's place. Every time I take a shower at my current place, I freeze. It's so cold that I stand there and shiver and wipe myself in a frenzy. My bed is literally rock-hard and underneath the bed sheets, they put a layer of straw mat. You can imagine how comfortable that feels. And my room is so cold that I use 4 layers of blankets. Cheryl's house was such a comforting break from that! Never knew it was such a blessing to have a soft bed and a bathroom where you don't freeze! Thank You Lord for showing me new things everyday.

Blessings Galore

I'm currently staying with the family friend who took care of Terry whilst I was away in Sydney. This place is really like the Buddhist equivalent of a Church. They hold religious services and events here. It is also the residence of a few religious leaders, including my family friend, Aunty Hong. It's a humongous complex with seemingly endless land. There are 3 other dogs here besides mine, Whisky & Goldish the retrievers and Ocher the pomeranian.

I get my own room beside the kitchen. It's a decent room except it gets a bit chilly and the kitchen certainly doesn't smell like roses. However, I'm blessed to have a place to stay. When I arrived yesterday, Aunty Hong and I cleaned out my room. It was stacked full of mattresses and cartons of belongings the previous tenant left behind. So one by one, we moved them into the store room. Then we wiped, swept and mopped and brought my mattress over. It was hard work for 2 women but finally, my room was ready.

Aunty Hong and her 2 other acquaintances have been extremely hospitable. They helped to make a cover over my room door, as part of it was made of see-through glass. Aunty Hong brought me a rug and a sensor light for my room, so that when I switch off the main light, it automatically comes on. They also make sure I have food to eat and tell me I can use the facilities freely.

Of course, there are downsides to this place. Every time I want to leave or come back, I need to tell someone or ring the bell and wait. A big gate separates this compound from the outside world, and it's operated from the inside. It also slides open in a painfully slow speed.

Today, I had to sit next to this old man at the dinner table. He burped and farted out loud several times during dinner, which really made me scramble to find my lost appetite in order to finish my meal. They are vegetarians so I can't bring any non-vegetarian food back. It's also a must to finish whatever's in your bowl. It's part of their religious belief not to waste any food. I also wash the dishes as Aunty Hong is cooking and again when everyone finishes eating. I am learning to have a servant attitude here.

I believe God is using this experience to prepare me.

My parents can whinge about how "clean" I am all day if you allow them to. From a young age, I was greatly obsessed with how nice and clean everything had to look before I would go near them. For example, we would be at a coffee shop and I would refuse to sit down if the chairs looked patchy and old. Once we were in China and one of the restaurants used bowls with gold coatings. Some parts of the coating had come off to reveal the black material underneath and because of that, I squatted outside the restaurant, refusing to go in despite my dad's fury. If ever any sand got into my little shoes, I would kick up a big fuss and demand to be carried.

And here I was tonight, absorbing the pungent smell from the old man as I took another bite of my noodle. Everything in my body wanted to scream disgust and walk away from that table. Jesus was my strength to stay. And I need to get ready. The mission field, or perhaps it should really be called the rest of the world where unbelievers are, may not always be a comfortable place.

I want to get to know these people. They had a hunger for God and thus have been following this "god" that they know. I don't believe that hunger has been filled. They need to know the truth.

I also have a question in my mind. I wonder why we as Christians are sometimes nowhere near as hospitable as these people have been to me. Would we gladly open our homes to someone in need without taking anything for it? Would we be the good Samaritan? We have our reservations. And why is that? I believe it's because we need to take another drink as Jentzen Franklin preached at Hillsong. Another drink of the Holy Spirit. Maybe when we get drunk enough, we'll lose our reservations.

God has blessed me so much. I thank God for loving me, taking care of me.

Back from Hillsong

Because of God, I came back from Sydney hopeful and not hopeless.
Because of God, I am waiting for my breakthrough and not my breakdown.
Because of God, I do not fear.

God is worthy of praise. Hallelujah!

On the last day of my Canberra-Sydney Hillsong trip, I felt fear gradually creeping into every cell of my body. Something in me screamed that I ought to be so afraid. Technically, I am homeless. What could be scarier than having no place to call home? For those few hours, I had a slight understanding of how homeless people must feel.


But something else in me was louder than that voice of despair. It told me to put my trust in the Lord. It told me that even the lilies of the field are clothed by Him. It told me that because He is with me, I do not need to fear.


I decided to go with the voice of hope. And to continuously speak the truth and hope over my life. Where else can I put my hope but in the Lord God Almighty?

In my financial crises, He provided.
That last time I desperately needed a place to stay, He provided.
Why would He not this time?
He is my Abba. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.
My Abba who loves me will take care of me.

I am to put His work before my concerns and all these things shall be added unto me.
His heart is for the lost and Hillsong was a fantastic reminder to stop focusing on ourselves and rise together with the Church! It really IS time.

But it all starts on the inside. It all starts with a firm foundation - Christ. If we do not know just how much we are loved and become so secure in that love, it's hard for us to maintain this passion for the lost.

Because He loved me first, I love Him.
Because He loves me, I love His people.

Not really alone

Ever since Kin left I've felt... intermittently despondent. The life I was used to - spent with a companion by my side - changed forever at 12am last Sunday. I must say the past 1-2 years felt pretty good. I never had to be alone, whether it was shopping for groceries, shopping for clothes, watching a DVD, going out for dinner, bringing Terry to the park, cooking...

If ever I felt like I needed company, he was there. If ever I felt like I needed a helping hand, he was there too. Go out into the freezing cold to turn on the hot water, change the light bulb, help with my shopping, help do the cooking when I'm busy with exams... He was not only a helper in my life, he was a companion such that I never felt lonely in a place far away from home.

I spent Monday afternoon and night all by myself in a cold, empty house. I really missed having life in the house, sounds of conversations, of busy cooking, of footsteps. This silence takes a little getting used to.

Yet God made me a promise. I remember. He said that I will never be alone; He is always with me.

There is this struggle: this strange parallel of existing here on earth and yet possessing an eternal soul built for heaven. Of human emotion vs the TRUTH. I may feel down sometimes, thinking about how "alone" I am now, thinking about how life here seems meaningless now that a "soul mate" has left... Yet the Truth tells me to rejoice in the Lord always. "Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance." (Romans 5:3 Amplified)

I never thought I could manage being in a house all by myself. Now I have to do just that, at least for the next month. I've only just realized how dependent I have been on others, that I failed to depend on Him first and foremost.

Before Kin left, I was almost panicky about all the stuff I needed him to help me with. I kept thinking that time was running out and once he was gone, it was just me. What if I have to move that piece of furniture? What if I have to dismantle this? What if the hot water goes out whilst I'm in the shower? How can I do it all by myself?

I started becoming consumed by my emotions. I neglected going to Him. And it made me forget that I'm not all by myself, that I've never been all by myself. How else did I think I made it till today? I could never have done anything without Him. He is my strength, my very present help in time of need.

Today, I started enjoying this "independence". Even if it was only in the random minutes or seconds, I recognized the beginning of enjoyment. I moved my study desk from the old room into this one. It wasn't easy. I had to try out many different angles in order to make it out of the old room, and then again to get in this room. Before today, I thought I needed someone to do it for me or at least with me. I know God doesn't mean for me to be alone forever, but I'm learning to enjoy this alone-ness with Him. To know that I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength, even those I once thought were physically impossible.

There are some moments where I sit there thinking about how quiet the house is. The weather doesn't help either. Weather forecast says it will be rainy the whole week. (Although, really thank God for nice sunny weather on Sun and yesterday! It was an uplifting break from the gloom) As I sit there and feel quite overwhelmed by the silence, I sometimes break into tearful episodes. But then I give myself about.. 2minutes, and after I let out all that emotion, I turn my attention to Him, remind myself of what He has said, and move on...

This entry will be a good reminder of this season in my life. Eileen, He is always with you. His hands are always outstretched to you, to embrace you when you're down, to lift you up, to hold your hand when you walk through the roads ahead.

He's not Deaf, He's my Daddy

Okay, forgive the lame title. (It was inspired by "he's not heavy, he's my brother")

Lately, God has been emphasizing his constant presence in my life. Every day, every hour, every minute, even down to the second. He said He will never leave me nor forsake me, and He will always be with me. Never and always. Both extremes. And when God promises, He delivers.

He has also been showing me just how much of a Daddy He is. We seem to always learn about the 'God' that He is but sometimes, we don't remember enough that He is also very much a Dad, Abba.

There was this one incident that happened to me yesterday that reiterated both points. I got off work late and was rushing (read: speeding) to church for youth. As it seems to happen especially when I'm late, all the traffic lights were turning red on my approach. After about 3 or 4 red lights, I got pretty frustrated and uttered this out loud, "God, can you please make ALL the lights green for me so that I can get to church quickly to praise & worship you!" It was more like a demand, with 'please' added in an attempt to sound polite. About 1/3 of me didn't really expect it to happen.

But it did. It was amazing. You should have been in the car with me. Every time I approached a red light and got ready to apply my brakes, it turned green. Even the ones that only just turned red quickly changed to green as I neared it.

It was a simple incident. Some might even put it down to good luck or mere coincidence. But I don't buy that. I know that I know this was the work of my Daddy's hands. My Daddy who holds the universe in His hands. He didn't have to do that. He absolutely didn't have to act on this one whim of mine. But He did!

I'm not saying He always acts on all our whims. (He probably shouldn't anyway) All I'm saying is this is my Daddy, overflowing with love for me. His ears are always open to my cries. His presence is an ever-presence. He can be found even in the most insignificant minutes of life.

I can recall countless similar incidents, like trying to find parking, or trying to locate a missing item. He is not deaf. If anything, He has really good hearing! Sometimes, all it takes is an acknowledgment that He is indeed with us and He is always ready and willing to hear and answer our cries. It's too easy to forget that He is with us in every situation, but the fact is He is, just waiting for us to engage Him in our daily lives.

Say it again

Ps. David was preaching an amazing series on the power of our testimony.
I'm blogging this to remind myself and also hopefully to encourage anyone who reads this!

The Bible says there is power in our testimony.
"And they have defeated him by the blood of the lamb and by their testimony." (Rev 12:11)

Interestingly, the Hebrew of 'testimony' means 'repeat again'. There is power when we speak of what God has done in our lives, not only to glorify Him but to create the opportunity for Him to do it again. Strangely enough too, the word 'remember' in Hebrew means 'being a male'. That is because a man carries the seed of reproduction, and to 'remember' means to be directed to the fact that God wants to reproduce the miracles in our lives.

When we speak of what He has done, it actually reveals God's heart. If God would heal in times of sickness, what does that tell us about Him? If God would provide in times of financial need, what does that tell us about Him? Getting to know God's heart builds up faith in us to trust Him through anything and everything.

This is the part I love the most. God sets a precedent every time He does a miracle, since He is the same yesterday, today and forever. In common law countries, a precedent is set every time a higher court decides on a case with a certain type of facts. Following the decision, all lower courts are to follow the precedent when a similar case, based on the facts, is brought before them. God sets a precedent too. If God provided for me when I had a financial need last year, He will provide for me if I have a financial need this year. He cannot be my loving daddy last year and an uncaring God this year. He cannot be good today and bad tomorrow. He is the same FOREVER. He sets a precedent for Himself. He is God.

Ps. David reminded us that renewing our minds (with God's word) is like magnetizing an iron bar. When we think in contrary to what God's word says, we are to renew our minds constantly with the truth, just like an iron bar needs to be stroked in one direction repeatedly in order to be magnetized. Once it's magnetized, it takes on the properties of the magnet. This applies to us.

We should be eager to share and remember our testimonies, both the big and the 'little' things that God does for us daily. Repeating and focusing on them instead of the bad things that happen in our lives help us stand firm in times of trouble. It's a way of bringing His kingdom to earth.

Silent all these months

Little did I realize that following my last post, I would be silenced for many months before I could write again. On many separate occasions, I wanted to blog but was always stumped when I arrived at the blogger page. Some months later, a friend pointed out to me that I couldn't blog about anything (God-related) due to unforgiveness in my heart. It was true. I thought God was done with teaching me about forgiveness but I was far from making the grade.

A few weeks after that last post, I began to recognize bitterness once again surfacing in my heart. All the while, I thought I was cruising along fine, having decided to forgive and let go. But I hadn't guarded my heart and before I knew it, I was hating again.

I remember one particular conversation with a friend. I got pretty worked up as the conversation progressed, as more and more memories replayed in my mind. I kept thinking to myself, 'what an asshole', 'what a coward'. And as these emotions boiled within me, it exploded in the form of a really nasty and needless to say, completely uncalled for sms.

I had innocently believed that I'd put everything behind me but following this incident, I realized just how much anger I had towards this person. Why was I so angry? Exactly what did he do?

Another friend kept advising me to apologize as it was the 'right thing to do'. Deep down in my heart, I believed it was too. But my flesh wouldn't take any of that apologizing nonsense. I retorted with the likes of, 'What? You gotta be kidding me! If anyone owes an apology, it's him! Why should I apologize when he doesn't deserve it?!'

He kept persuading me to apologize, adding that this wasn't even about the other person, it was about me and my own welfare. 'Yes, he doesn't deserve it, but it's still the right thing to do.'

I know I agree with him. I know, really really deep down in my heart, that if I want to grow and truly enjoy the freedom bought for me on the cross, I have to FORGIVE and purge all the toxins from my body.

Even though this whole issue may seem insignificant, I'm beginning to realize just how much of an impact it has on my life. I began to feel so guilt-stricken by the sms I wrote, wondering if I became someone's stumbling block. I began to feel unworthy in church. I began to question how I could hold unforgiveness in my heart when Jesus forgave me unconditionally. Maybe the person in question wasn't even affected by the sms, but the truth is, I affected myself. I knew there would be consequences but I'm just starting to grasp how serious it is.

I know I will eventually apologize. I almost did the other night but some things stopped me again. God is tugging on my heart to rectify the situation, to be the bigger person. Most of the time, no, I should say all of the time, He gets His way in the end. As Daryl put it, I am an overcomer and this won't stop me for long.