Will you marry me?

Yesterday I was reading through some married couples' blogs and according to them, marriage is great. I've always been tentative about it, largely because of how I saw marriages around me fail as I was growing up. In recent years, however, God has reshaped my view about marriage and I'm glad to say it is now largely positive.

So last night I was thinking about how nice it would be to be married! Being alone is fine but having someone to share the journey with sounds a lot more appealing. Serving and ministering alone is fine but doing it with a partner sounds fun-ner! Of course, I was thinking these with the knowledge that marriage isn't going to be a breeze, but it's better to take the yacht out and experience the storm rather than miss out on enjoying the sea altogether, no?

The desire for a partner and marriage is healthy, but not when it makes you miserable about single-hood. Last night I was feeling pretty miserable about it. The despicable enemy planted some negative thoughts in my mind. Oh you're never going to find someone, you're so unlovable, what makes you think you have a chance at marriage. I started reflecting on all my failed relationships. The enemy told me lies about how I was the cause of all the failures, that it was because I was so unlovable. And reminded me of how the exes always went on to find someone better, and that's why their relationships don't fail.

What I instinctively did, through my tears, was to grab hold of my Bible and flip it open. I had to hold all these thoughts captive and give them up to God. I had to find His truths to overcome the enemy's lies. I know what I did next was every pastor's nightmare, but yup I randomly opened up a page hoping to find something. My mind was in a whirl and I couldn't as yet think of any appropriate verse.

Then my eyes landed on this.

"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions."

At this I flipped a page back, I don't know why, but I did. And read this.

"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life."

Wow. God was in-my-face, speaking right to me. He was telling me to enjoy where I am right now, to realize just how blessed I am to be able to focus on Him and Him alone. One day I'll be married and become involved in all the "nuts and bolts of domestic life" but right now, I'm in that special place where I can focus all my attention on Him. And only God knows how long more I have in this special place... my "prince charming" might come along to sweep me off my feet tomorrow for all I know... haha. Better treasure this time.

I love how the Message says, "God, not your marital status, defines your life". It was very encouraging to me and it reminded me to re-focus, don't let the enemy fool me into believing that I have to be married to be truly living.

I put on Ps. Prince's seminar on love and courtship. It's a 4-part recording that has helped me a lot and I decided to listen to it again. He talked about how in the Bible, there are 2 Hebrew words for "alone". The first is Yakid. Strong's concordance says that Yakid is to be alone, unique and loved. As singles, God says that we are alone (not lonely), unique and beloved of Him. The other "alone" is the Hebrew word Bad, which means without help. Ps. Prince explained that in the garden of Eden when God made man, God said that it is not good for man to be alone, and the alone referred to here was Bad, not Yakid.

He explained further that we should first realize we can and should be happy Yakids, secure and fulfilled in God's love. Adam was a happy Yakid, but God said it was not good for Adam to be without help, and so He made him a helpmate, Eve.

Every time I listen to this, I'm reminded that I need to be a whole Yakid, looking for another whole Yakid. It shouldn't be 2 holes coming together in the hope of being complete, as Ps. Prince said.

Showers of blessing

I was a bit apprehensive about eating next to Uncle Fart again today. I dropped Cheryl off at her place around 5.15pm after a trip to Garbos and wondered if I should go straight home, contemplating the unavoidable dinner ahead. I also thought to myself, crap, now I have to shower in that seriously cold bathroom.

However when I got back, Aunty Hong announced that no one was home and dinner was to be takeaway food that she'd bought earlier. And she said I could actually use the inside bathroom, if I wanted. God is so good! He provides even the comfort that I was hoping to get. The inside bathroom is drastically different from the outside one. It was so comfortable and warm!!! =) Happiness.

What's new?

New experiences today:

1. I took a bite of lamb after Cheryl's parents encouraged me to. I haven't had lamb in at least.. well for as long as I can remember. I hate the smell and taste of lamb. It makes me almost want to puke. In fact I am extremely fussy with food.

2. Using whatever Cheryl had in her home to shower and to wash my face.

These might be nothing to most people but it's a pretty big deal to me! I have always been quite.. 'princessy' and stubborn, as Daryl can totally testify to. I think it might be because I was spoilt rotten as a kid. If I hate something, no one can force me to eat it. If I go for a sleepover I usually prepare my own toiletries as I like being able to use my own products.

I took another step in breaking out of that princess-syndrome! Thank God. =)

It was really nice to take a hot shower and sleep on a soft warm bed at Cheryl's place. Every time I take a shower at my current place, I freeze. It's so cold that I stand there and shiver and wipe myself in a frenzy. My bed is literally rock-hard and underneath the bed sheets, they put a layer of straw mat. You can imagine how comfortable that feels. And my room is so cold that I use 4 layers of blankets. Cheryl's house was such a comforting break from that! Never knew it was such a blessing to have a soft bed and a bathroom where you don't freeze! Thank You Lord for showing me new things everyday.

Blessings Galore

I'm currently staying with the family friend who took care of Terry whilst I was away in Sydney. This place is really like the Buddhist equivalent of a Church. They hold religious services and events here. It is also the residence of a few religious leaders, including my family friend, Aunty Hong. It's a humongous complex with seemingly endless land. There are 3 other dogs here besides mine, Whisky & Goldish the retrievers and Ocher the pomeranian.

I get my own room beside the kitchen. It's a decent room except it gets a bit chilly and the kitchen certainly doesn't smell like roses. However, I'm blessed to have a place to stay. When I arrived yesterday, Aunty Hong and I cleaned out my room. It was stacked full of mattresses and cartons of belongings the previous tenant left behind. So one by one, we moved them into the store room. Then we wiped, swept and mopped and brought my mattress over. It was hard work for 2 women but finally, my room was ready.

Aunty Hong and her 2 other acquaintances have been extremely hospitable. They helped to make a cover over my room door, as part of it was made of see-through glass. Aunty Hong brought me a rug and a sensor light for my room, so that when I switch off the main light, it automatically comes on. They also make sure I have food to eat and tell me I can use the facilities freely.

Of course, there are downsides to this place. Every time I want to leave or come back, I need to tell someone or ring the bell and wait. A big gate separates this compound from the outside world, and it's operated from the inside. It also slides open in a painfully slow speed.

Today, I had to sit next to this old man at the dinner table. He burped and farted out loud several times during dinner, which really made me scramble to find my lost appetite in order to finish my meal. They are vegetarians so I can't bring any non-vegetarian food back. It's also a must to finish whatever's in your bowl. It's part of their religious belief not to waste any food. I also wash the dishes as Aunty Hong is cooking and again when everyone finishes eating. I am learning to have a servant attitude here.

I believe God is using this experience to prepare me.

My parents can whinge about how "clean" I am all day if you allow them to. From a young age, I was greatly obsessed with how nice and clean everything had to look before I would go near them. For example, we would be at a coffee shop and I would refuse to sit down if the chairs looked patchy and old. Once we were in China and one of the restaurants used bowls with gold coatings. Some parts of the coating had come off to reveal the black material underneath and because of that, I squatted outside the restaurant, refusing to go in despite my dad's fury. If ever any sand got into my little shoes, I would kick up a big fuss and demand to be carried.

And here I was tonight, absorbing the pungent smell from the old man as I took another bite of my noodle. Everything in my body wanted to scream disgust and walk away from that table. Jesus was my strength to stay. And I need to get ready. The mission field, or perhaps it should really be called the rest of the world where unbelievers are, may not always be a comfortable place.

I want to get to know these people. They had a hunger for God and thus have been following this "god" that they know. I don't believe that hunger has been filled. They need to know the truth.

I also have a question in my mind. I wonder why we as Christians are sometimes nowhere near as hospitable as these people have been to me. Would we gladly open our homes to someone in need without taking anything for it? Would we be the good Samaritan? We have our reservations. And why is that? I believe it's because we need to take another drink as Jentzen Franklin preached at Hillsong. Another drink of the Holy Spirit. Maybe when we get drunk enough, we'll lose our reservations.

God has blessed me so much. I thank God for loving me, taking care of me.

Back from Hillsong

Because of God, I came back from Sydney hopeful and not hopeless.
Because of God, I am waiting for my breakthrough and not my breakdown.
Because of God, I do not fear.

God is worthy of praise. Hallelujah!

On the last day of my Canberra-Sydney Hillsong trip, I felt fear gradually creeping into every cell of my body. Something in me screamed that I ought to be so afraid. Technically, I am homeless. What could be scarier than having no place to call home? For those few hours, I had a slight understanding of how homeless people must feel.


But something else in me was louder than that voice of despair. It told me to put my trust in the Lord. It told me that even the lilies of the field are clothed by Him. It told me that because He is with me, I do not need to fear.


I decided to go with the voice of hope. And to continuously speak the truth and hope over my life. Where else can I put my hope but in the Lord God Almighty?

In my financial crises, He provided.
That last time I desperately needed a place to stay, He provided.
Why would He not this time?
He is my Abba. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.
My Abba who loves me will take care of me.

I am to put His work before my concerns and all these things shall be added unto me.
His heart is for the lost and Hillsong was a fantastic reminder to stop focusing on ourselves and rise together with the Church! It really IS time.

But it all starts on the inside. It all starts with a firm foundation - Christ. If we do not know just how much we are loved and become so secure in that love, it's hard for us to maintain this passion for the lost.

Because He loved me first, I love Him.
Because He loves me, I love His people.

Not really alone

Ever since Kin left I've felt... intermittently despondent. The life I was used to - spent with a companion by my side - changed forever at 12am last Sunday. I must say the past 1-2 years felt pretty good. I never had to be alone, whether it was shopping for groceries, shopping for clothes, watching a DVD, going out for dinner, bringing Terry to the park, cooking...

If ever I felt like I needed company, he was there. If ever I felt like I needed a helping hand, he was there too. Go out into the freezing cold to turn on the hot water, change the light bulb, help with my shopping, help do the cooking when I'm busy with exams... He was not only a helper in my life, he was a companion such that I never felt lonely in a place far away from home.

I spent Monday afternoon and night all by myself in a cold, empty house. I really missed having life in the house, sounds of conversations, of busy cooking, of footsteps. This silence takes a little getting used to.

Yet God made me a promise. I remember. He said that I will never be alone; He is always with me.

There is this struggle: this strange parallel of existing here on earth and yet possessing an eternal soul built for heaven. Of human emotion vs the TRUTH. I may feel down sometimes, thinking about how "alone" I am now, thinking about how life here seems meaningless now that a "soul mate" has left... Yet the Truth tells me to rejoice in the Lord always. "Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance." (Romans 5:3 Amplified)

I never thought I could manage being in a house all by myself. Now I have to do just that, at least for the next month. I've only just realized how dependent I have been on others, that I failed to depend on Him first and foremost.

Before Kin left, I was almost panicky about all the stuff I needed him to help me with. I kept thinking that time was running out and once he was gone, it was just me. What if I have to move that piece of furniture? What if I have to dismantle this? What if the hot water goes out whilst I'm in the shower? How can I do it all by myself?

I started becoming consumed by my emotions. I neglected going to Him. And it made me forget that I'm not all by myself, that I've never been all by myself. How else did I think I made it till today? I could never have done anything without Him. He is my strength, my very present help in time of need.

Today, I started enjoying this "independence". Even if it was only in the random minutes or seconds, I recognized the beginning of enjoyment. I moved my study desk from the old room into this one. It wasn't easy. I had to try out many different angles in order to make it out of the old room, and then again to get in this room. Before today, I thought I needed someone to do it for me or at least with me. I know God doesn't mean for me to be alone forever, but I'm learning to enjoy this alone-ness with Him. To know that I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength, even those I once thought were physically impossible.

There are some moments where I sit there thinking about how quiet the house is. The weather doesn't help either. Weather forecast says it will be rainy the whole week. (Although, really thank God for nice sunny weather on Sun and yesterday! It was an uplifting break from the gloom) As I sit there and feel quite overwhelmed by the silence, I sometimes break into tearful episodes. But then I give myself about.. 2minutes, and after I let out all that emotion, I turn my attention to Him, remind myself of what He has said, and move on...

This entry will be a good reminder of this season in my life. Eileen, He is always with you. His hands are always outstretched to you, to embrace you when you're down, to lift you up, to hold your hand when you walk through the roads ahead.

He's not Deaf, He's my Daddy

Okay, forgive the lame title. (It was inspired by "he's not heavy, he's my brother")

Lately, God has been emphasizing his constant presence in my life. Every day, every hour, every minute, even down to the second. He said He will never leave me nor forsake me, and He will always be with me. Never and always. Both extremes. And when God promises, He delivers.

He has also been showing me just how much of a Daddy He is. We seem to always learn about the 'God' that He is but sometimes, we don't remember enough that He is also very much a Dad, Abba.

There was this one incident that happened to me yesterday that reiterated both points. I got off work late and was rushing (read: speeding) to church for youth. As it seems to happen especially when I'm late, all the traffic lights were turning red on my approach. After about 3 or 4 red lights, I got pretty frustrated and uttered this out loud, "God, can you please make ALL the lights green for me so that I can get to church quickly to praise & worship you!" It was more like a demand, with 'please' added in an attempt to sound polite. About 1/3 of me didn't really expect it to happen.

But it did. It was amazing. You should have been in the car with me. Every time I approached a red light and got ready to apply my brakes, it turned green. Even the ones that only just turned red quickly changed to green as I neared it.

It was a simple incident. Some might even put it down to good luck or mere coincidence. But I don't buy that. I know that I know this was the work of my Daddy's hands. My Daddy who holds the universe in His hands. He didn't have to do that. He absolutely didn't have to act on this one whim of mine. But He did!

I'm not saying He always acts on all our whims. (He probably shouldn't anyway) All I'm saying is this is my Daddy, overflowing with love for me. His ears are always open to my cries. His presence is an ever-presence. He can be found even in the most insignificant minutes of life.

I can recall countless similar incidents, like trying to find parking, or trying to locate a missing item. He is not deaf. If anything, He has really good hearing! Sometimes, all it takes is an acknowledgment that He is indeed with us and He is always ready and willing to hear and answer our cries. It's too easy to forget that He is with us in every situation, but the fact is He is, just waiting for us to engage Him in our daily lives.