Silent all these months

Little did I realize that following my last post, I would be silenced for many months before I could write again. On many separate occasions, I wanted to blog but was always stumped when I arrived at the blogger page. Some months later, a friend pointed out to me that I couldn't blog about anything (God-related) due to unforgiveness in my heart. It was true. I thought God was done with teaching me about forgiveness but I was far from making the grade.

A few weeks after that last post, I began to recognize bitterness once again surfacing in my heart. All the while, I thought I was cruising along fine, having decided to forgive and let go. But I hadn't guarded my heart and before I knew it, I was hating again.

I remember one particular conversation with a friend. I got pretty worked up as the conversation progressed, as more and more memories replayed in my mind. I kept thinking to myself, 'what an asshole', 'what a coward'. And as these emotions boiled within me, it exploded in the form of a really nasty and needless to say, completely uncalled for sms.

I had innocently believed that I'd put everything behind me but following this incident, I realized just how much anger I had towards this person. Why was I so angry? Exactly what did he do?

Another friend kept advising me to apologize as it was the 'right thing to do'. Deep down in my heart, I believed it was too. But my flesh wouldn't take any of that apologizing nonsense. I retorted with the likes of, 'What? You gotta be kidding me! If anyone owes an apology, it's him! Why should I apologize when he doesn't deserve it?!'

He kept persuading me to apologize, adding that this wasn't even about the other person, it was about me and my own welfare. 'Yes, he doesn't deserve it, but it's still the right thing to do.'

I know I agree with him. I know, really really deep down in my heart, that if I want to grow and truly enjoy the freedom bought for me on the cross, I have to FORGIVE and purge all the toxins from my body.

Even though this whole issue may seem insignificant, I'm beginning to realize just how much of an impact it has on my life. I began to feel so guilt-stricken by the sms I wrote, wondering if I became someone's stumbling block. I began to feel unworthy in church. I began to question how I could hold unforgiveness in my heart when Jesus forgave me unconditionally. Maybe the person in question wasn't even affected by the sms, but the truth is, I affected myself. I knew there would be consequences but I'm just starting to grasp how serious it is.

I know I will eventually apologize. I almost did the other night but some things stopped me again. God is tugging on my heart to rectify the situation, to be the bigger person. Most of the time, no, I should say all of the time, He gets His way in the end. As Daryl put it, I am an overcomer and this won't stop me for long.