I consider them rubbish...

All of us have people and things in our lives we consider essential- loved ones, prized possessions, etc. Many times, (and possibly more to come since I'm so decidedly human) I've been guilty of thinking that I couldn't live without any of them, or at minimum wouldn't be fulfilled without them. I'm certain most of us have had those thoughts. 'I won't be happy until I get that house/car', 'I can't live without that person in my life', 'I won't be satisfied until I reach a certain position/salary at work'...

The more we fall in love with Christ, the less important these things become in our lives. I love what Paul says - I have to plagiarize because these are the exact words resounding in my soul -

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ! What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead! (exclamation marks my own)

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ!
I consider them rubbish!
I would rather know Christ and lose everything than gain the whole world and not know Christ.

He matters the most to me - not my earthly possessions, not the people in my life. I love those things and people and God loves to bless me with them because He is so extremely extravagantly good (and most certainly He has called us to relationships and to fellowship), but they are nothing compared to gaining Christ.

With or without the things I love, I will seek after Christ passionately and advance His kingdom.
With or without the people I love, I will seek after Christ passionately and advance His kingdom.

All these things will be added to me (Matt 6:33) but first I will seek His kingdom and His righteousness.
Sometimes that can really hurt a lot.. but when we truly 'get it' we will be willing to pay the price no matter how much it costs us.

I love the lyrics of this Youth Alive song:

I lay down my life at Your feet
The cross is what I need
Whatever it takes, whatever the cost
I'll live for You
I'll live for You

and this song by Graham Kendrick:

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this

Knowing You, Jesus
Knowing You, there is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know You more
To be found in You and known as Yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All-surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh, to know the power of Your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like You in Your death, my Lord
So with You to live and never die

Yes... Jesus is the only one I live for and the only one I need.

Questions and Answers

Before the memorial service, I was tormented by a lot of heartache and grief.

Even now I can't explain why I feel this way when I didn't know his brother personally. Perhaps I did know him spiritually, through months of praying for him. Even though I wasn't physically there, I was alongside them throughout this journey, rejoicing together in victories won and standing firm in prayer together.

Or perhaps it's a deep, deep love.. agape love.. that I have towards this brother of mine.. so much so that I can literally feel the pain he feels. I can't explain it, I really can't. The depth of love I have towards him and his family amazes me. It is of God and not of the world.

For the first time in my life, I actually understood what it meant to love someone with agape love. It says in 1 Corinthians 13:5 that (love) is not self-seeking. I desperately wanted to be at the airport when he & his family arrived back in Perth just to give him a hug, and I'm sure there are some of us who might have felt the same way.. but we recognized that it was not about us, it was about him, about his best interests.

So I decided not to go and that it was probably best for him to have a smaller reception. I didn't think he needed the overwhelming attention at this stage. In verses 7-8, it says '(love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails'. I'm sure all of us who loved him held on to hope and always believed in his brother's healing. He never gave up and neither did we.

When I found out about his brother's passing, a deep sense of grief came over me. I couldn't sleep the next few nights and I found it hard to concentrate. There were many questions in my mind, and I found myself asking God a resounding 'why?'

I remembered this particular afternoon I was praying for his brother.. I had such a strong conviction from the Holy Spirit that the battle was already won, that his brother was already healed because of what Jesus did on the cross, that the symptoms were only a temporal lie and it would go away very soon. I was greatly confused at the news of his passing, not only because of that but due to the fact that his brother was still so young, he had a wife and I thought he probably still had things to do on this earth.

Before I left and as I was driving to the memorial service, I was telling God that I needed to have some answers to put an end to the torment. I knew that I could not lean on my own understanding and I knew that in situations like these, all our human reasons and logic fail. I just needed some reassurance from God.

When his brother's wife gave the eulogy, the cloud over my eyes began to clear and I felt an overwhelming peace in my heart. She confessed that she had the same kind of questions I had. She also felt that he was young and probably didn't finish his work on the earth. However, she went on to share some entries from his journal and she said that reading through his journal made her realize that his job here was indeed done! The purposes of God put in him have been fulfilled, and he had fought the good fight, finished the race and kept the faith. Through his life and testimony, his earthly parents came to know Christ and his wife grew to be a godly woman. His life was part of a much bigger picture that God was painting...

Finally at one point, the question that tormented me the most was answered. She said she wanted to encourage those of us who have been praying for her husband's healing, that our prayers were not in vain. He was completely healed of cancer before he went to be with the Lord. When I heard that, I broke down. Peace overwhelmed me.

Even though he has now departed, the power of the life he led continues to impact. It has impacted me deeply for the better, it has given me an even greater revelation of God's great love and faithfulness, a clearer understanding of the 'bigger picture' of God's kingdom and purposes. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

There are still some less significant questions in my mind, but I know I have to let them go. Our human capacity to understand and reason is too limited. It's natural for us to question but to continue dwelling in that place will only lead to destruction. The only position for us to take is to trust God, to know without doubt that He is good and He is for us.

I thank God that although I'm not even part of that family, He regarded me highly and He answered my cries specifically through the eulogies. I thank God that He gave me answers to my most pressing questions. I thank God that what the devil meant for evil, He turns around for so much good.

My heart goes out to the family and especially to his wife... I know it will be very painful at times, but God is their strength. I thank God that He has caused them to hope in Him such that they have remained so strong, and I believe that they will continue to walk in His purposes until that glorious day when they are done here and they will see their beloved again...

Rest in You

Your faithfulness endures always
Where mountains fall and reason fails
And You calm the raging seas
And You calm the storms in me, again

All I know is I find rest in You
All I know is I find rest in You

Why

This is very painful. If it's so painful for me, I can't even begin to imagine how painful it must be for them. I have many questions. I can't sleep. My heart aches.

Yet through it all, You are still God, You are still in control, You have all the answers.

I will not lean on my own understanding... I pray the same for them. I pray for Your peace that transcends all understanding to consume them. There are many questions that go unanswered, but Your praise will always be on our lips.

I praise You God that Your precious son is now in heaven with You.
Every tear is wiped away, all suffering has ceased forever, he rests in everlasting arms.

I press on toward the goal

Today I turn 23.

Looking back at the 23 years God has given me so far, I feel saddened that I took so much time to understand and grab hold of my calling. Countless times, He has told me to rise up, step up, to embark on the journey of greatness He has laid out ahead of me. I always had an excuse. Fear, many forms of it. It grieves me to think about where I could be now, what I could have done for Him, if I had responded earlier. However, this is no time for regrets. Reflection is good and it's natural to feel sad about what could have been, but God calls us to looks forward.

He is not limited by time or by our age. 23 seems old to me, especially considering the fact that many leaders in youth ministries start at tender ages of 18, 19, 20.. Comparison will get us nowhere though. He has a perfect plan for every single one of us. No matter how long we take, no matter how many times we fall, He can still put us back on the right track. In fact, all the times we fell and all the painful lessons we had to learn only serve to get us ready for the great things He calls us to! God takes us one step at a time. We may not realize it but He's been preparing us for many many years...

So I'm 23 and I feel like I'm light years away from fulfilling God's call on my life, but I will not be discouraged. The next 23 years of my life will be phenomenal! In fact, I believe that I will see greater things in the next 5 years, 10 years, than I've seen in my entire life so far. Once we respond to God in faith, He can restore to us all the years that we seem to have lost. We need to see things in the supernatural and discard all the discouraging forecasts our eyes give in the natural!

'Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus...'
(Philippians 3:13-14, NIV)

In the Secret Place

We all face valleys in life. The going gets really tough sometimes. There have been numerous moments where I've thought, 'now would be a good time for You to come back, Jesus...'

We see the world deal with moments like these in various ways.. with motivational self-help stuff that tell people to believe in themselves and their 'inner strength', by hardening their hearts and burying themselves in work, by convincing themselves the issue does not exist, by seeing a shrink.. etc.

On the surface these may seem like positive actions, and there's really nothing essentially wrong with them. The problem is they are not permanent solutions. Apart from bringing our broken hearts and lives to Jesus and allowing Him to heal and restore, there is no permanent solution. Other methods distract and appear to aid our healing for a short while but in the long run we end up carrying baggage which resurface continually.

Habakkuk 3:17-18 says,

"Though the fig tree does not blossom
and there is no fruit on the vines,
though the product of the olive fails
and the fields yield no food,
though the flock is cut off from the fold
and there are no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!"
(Amplified)

How is it that everything seems to be going wrong, yet the author says he will rejoice in the Lord? The answer is found in verse 19:

"The Lord God is my Strength,
my personal bravery, and my invincible army;
He makes my feet like hinds' feet
and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk]
and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places
[of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!"

The whole of last month has proved to be a very trying time in my life. It has been extremely painful, confusing and frustrating all at once. The only reason I still laugh and have joy within me is because the Lord is my strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army. He makes me walk and make spiritual progress upon my high places of pain and confusion! As I come before Him and lay it all down before Him daily, He makes whole all my brokenness and heals all my hurt. It is in the secret place, just me and my God... that I am restored.

I get a devotional from Joseph Prince in my inbox everyday (you have to sign up if you haven't already) and it blesses me tremendously. Even though it's sent to the masses, it almost always ministers to me in the exact area I needed ministering for that day. Today was no exception. Pastor Prince quoted Isaiah 61:7 and wrote, 'God says in His Word that you will receive double for your troubles. If the devil has given you one trouble, then for that one trouble, you can expect to receive a double-portion blessing! And if that trouble has caused you to experience shame, God’s promise to you is this: Instead of your shame you shall have double honour.'

Recently, things have happened which caused me to be disappointed and hurt. I strongly disagree with the way certain things were dealt with and I feel like some have been very unfair to me. I was unable to defend myself and explain my side of the story. It seemed to me that I was portrayed as the bad person and I felt like I was discredited in front of many people. To that, God says that He Himself is my vindication, and instead of my shame I will have double honour.

"Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,
I will not be disgraced.
Therefore, I have set my face like a stone,
determined to do his will.

And I know that I will not be put to shame.
He who gives me justice is near.
Who will dare to bring charges against me now?
Where are my accusers?
Let them appear!

See, the Sovereign Lord is on my side!
Who will declare me guilty?"
(Isaiah 50:7-9, NLT)

On a separate note, Ps. David said something on last Sunday's service which stopped me in my tracks for a moment. He said that forgiveness does not mean approval. How true. I do not approve of how things were dealt with, the choices that were made.. I know that I would have done everything so differently.

I don't approve... but I forgive.

It's About Relationships

In God's kingdom, it's all about relationships. He created us to have an intimate relationship with Him, He planned for man and woman to be united in marriage and for His children to be united as a body of Christ enjoying fellowship with each other. I understood the first two but up till recently found it hard to understand the importance of the last one.

We are all created with different personalities and it's difficult (if not impossible) to get along with everyone. Some people will naturally attract us, while others might have the opposite effect. For a period of time, I was really struggling with this. It seemed like I was surrounded by people I didn't 'click' with in church and it was quite torturous having to hang around them. All I did was basically 'put up' with them and escape as fast as I could when the event ended.

Over the past few weeks, God has been transforming my mind and giving me new perspectives in this area. Building relationships are fundamental to building the church. We need to be a close-knitted, united and loving community in order to reach out to the lost because that in itself is a testimony. If there is disunity and discord within the church, how can we expect the people we bring to want to stay on? It starts from the inside. The people make up the heartbeat of the church, and this will overflow into the streets, communities, cities, nations... I want the overflow of my church's heart to be love.

As my mindset changed, the way I behaved changed too. I want to pour out myself - my time, love, energy - into people because every single one of them is so precious to God and have such vital roles to play. At resort, I found myself especially drawn to the younger girls. I just feel so much love for them! I want to help nurture them and walk with them through life because I've been there and I know how painful and confusing it can get... I see so much potential in them!

Granted, I still don't particularly enjoy being around some people. But that's no longer the point. If that's what it takes to advance God's kingdom, I'm in! I will put self interest aside and live for Christ.

I lay down my life for You
Throw down my crowns before You
Give up my all for Your name...